Monday, November 20, 2006

Special Investigative Reports – Hillbilly Joe Snags Exclusive Interview with Reclusive Publisher Hayseed

Hillbilly: You ready for some tough waterman questions?
Hayseed: Sure, you know anyone who can ask them?

Hillbilly: I’m asking the questions Hayseed! By the way, why do they call you Hayseed?
Hayseed: I’m born and bred in Iowa and when I went to school at the University of Arizona the guys out west called me Hayseed.

Hillbilly: I thought Iowa was known for corn, state fairs and Great Plains.
Hayseed: It was but what do Arizona and California kids know about those things?

Hillbilly: A little dumb were they?
Hayseed: I think it’s a requirement of undergraduate school.

Hillbilly: You do anything in high school worth mentioning?
Hayseed: Same as everyone else, a little this and a little that.

Hillbilly: You mean like roping cows or riding bulls or whatever you cowboys do?
Hayseed: Naw. It was more like we dated cows and shot the bull. Just kidding. I did ride a Brahma bull once though.

Hillbilly: What kind of bull you laying on me?
Hayseed: You know, those mean bulls with a hump on their backs.

Hillbilly: And just how long did you ride this humpback bull?
Hayseed: Long enough for my butt to touch the hump and in seconds I was airborne.

Hillbilly: You get hurt or fall on your head or something? That would help explain you.
Hayseed: Just my pride, manhood and dignity.

Hillbilly: So what did you do then?
Hayseed: Brushed off the dirt, wiped off the tears, and got back on that mean old monster, was instantly thrown again, got up and got back on the beast and was thrown again, like it was dejà vu all over again.

Hillbilly: Like in Groundhog Day?
Hayseed: Yeah, like Bill Murray but after getting thrown 8 times I finally got smart and told the fire-breathing bull the pasture was all his.

Hillbilly: So you have a happy childhood?
Hayseed: Nope, I was too busy trying to stay alive until I could get out of there.

Hillbilly: Then what did you do?
Hayseed: Became a reporter, worked for politicians, wrote stuff, more of the same.

Hillbilly: Where did you do more of the same?
Hayseed: After Iowa and Arizona there was Nebraska, Virginia, California, New Jersey, Kentucky and Maryland.

Hillbilly: And you did more of the same everywhere?
Hayseed: More or less.

Hillbilly: So you a Democrat, Republican or Independent?
Hayseed: I’m more like a political atheist?

Hillbilly: What in the world is a political atheist?
Hayseed: Someone who treats all parties with equal distain.

Hillbilly: Name a Democrat you helped.
Hayseed: John Kennedy.

Hillbilly: Name a Republican you helped.
Hayseed: Ronald Reagan.

Hillbilly: Name an Independent you helped.
Hayseed: Ross Perot.

Hillbilly: Who the hell are those people?
Hayseed: Just some political hacks.

Hillbilly: If you were president what would you do?
Hayseed: First grant Coltons Point Colony status. Find intelligent people for the intelligence agencies. Bring all the troops back from around the world and invade Canada since we need a war we can win to boost morale. Annex Mexico and make all Mexicans American citizens so we can blame our problems on them. Set up a trade agreement with China that for every Chinese food joint here we get a McDonalds there. Implement a worldwide immigration policy of trading disgruntled Americans for foreigners who want to be in America. Appoint Howard Stern Ambassador to Afghanistan, OJ Simpson Ambassador to Pakistan, Rush Limbaugh Ambassador to North Korea, Jerry Falwell Ambassador to Iran, Larry King Ambassador to Sudan, and Barbara Wah Wah Ambassador to Indonesia.

Hillbilly: What would those ambassadors accomplish?
Hayseed: Our new ambassadors would cause so many problems there the countries would cease being threats to world security. You know the old doctrine, divide and conquer.

Hillbilly: Are those places all countries?
Hayseed: Oh man, maybe I’ll send you to the United Nations for OJT.

Hillbilly: I don’t like OJ and I don’t like tea, unless it is served by Haughty.
Hayseed: Whatever.

Hillbilly: What characteristic are you looking for in new Ambassadors?
Hayseed: Egotistical psychos keeping America from ever achieving a state of peace. Sort of the mouthpiece destabilizer core from America.

Hillbilly: That’s bad man.
Hayseed: No worse than the reality we face now.

Hillbilly: My brain is overloaded. Can we continue this later?
Hayseed: Sure, you’ve got from now until the conclusion of the End Times to wrap it up.

Hillbilly: I need a Bud, I need the Duke, I need my John Deere, and oh my head hurts. Why did I ever agree to do this interview? Where is Paris Hilton and the Simple Life?

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