Thursday, March 29, 2007

Now Generation Anthem

Ain’t it great to be a kid in America
Ain’t it great we no longer have to read
We don’t have to think we can have another drink
Cause Microsoft is getting us the grades we need

It’s great to be a kid in America
Think of all we’ll accumulate
No one cares how much we steal, just bring home what is real
Keep it coming cause I just can’t wait, don’t be late

Ain’t it great to be a kid in America
If times are tough we’ll start another war
Our parents showed us how, we can go to war right now
No one cares if our deficit might soar and soar

But the kids growing up in America
Might be in for a big surprise
When the budgets must be slashed, when there ain’t no gas
When the waters everywhere are on the rise up to your eyes

When the kids growing up in America
Find social security is now broke
What’s a man to do when the money that you knew
Has disappeared and all gone up in smoke, you dope

Gas and the Global Warming

Am I the only one to find it odd that over 55 different dog food products for dozens of different companies were all made by the same processing plant at the same location. Everything from Iams to Wayne’s which I think is the Walmart brand name shared the same building, same people making it, and same meat or whatever that stuff is, same filler, and the same rat poison according to the feds.

Isn’t it about time the American consumer stop being the target of corporate scams like this making us think there was competition in dog food, a difference in the quality of the products, and that special handling could keep out the rat poison.

So a few thousand dogs and cats will die, Congress will hold hearings, the Democrats will blame Bush and big business, and the public will see nothing done about it. Ah the joys of watching capitalism at it’s finest.

So we’ve had a rash of outbreaks of mysterious diseases on cruise ships, in schools and hotels, and now in dogs and cats. We are now being told not to eat all the things we were told to eat before. More people die of malpractice in hospitals than from diseases and surgery.

Vaccines that once destroyed the threat of smallpox, polio, malaria and other diseases don’t work anymore against new strains of the same diseases that were supposed to be wiped out.

And good old Al Gore is running around Hollywood collecting Oscars and at our nation’s capitol trying to stage rock concerts all because of global warming. Well if man is responsible for global warming, then who the hell caused the global warming that ended the last Ice Age, or the ones before that?

Personally I think there is a direct correlation between the amount of beer, beans, onions, garlic and peppers consumed, the amount of high pressure gas they generate, the velocity of the gas emissions from people, and the impact on the atmosphere. Think about it, nearly 6 billion people passing gas at the same time. A few million cars and trucks don’t have a chance.

Add to that all the hot air generated in our nation’s capitol and every other capitol of the world and states where more than two politicians gather at once, and it is amazing we aren’t in the midst of a global meltdown. My only comment on the whole confusing mess is this, put a cork in it!

Bloob Tube Battles

I’ve had trouble watching the television lately. Can’t find the programs in all the commercials. Suppose it doesn’t matter since the TV fare was never meant to entertain, inform or educate, just to employ the many relatives of the network show business people.

The network evening news is in a whale of trouble now. Katie Couric has settled back into last place for CBS. It’s hard to take her too serious after all those years of sucking up to the people she interviewed on the Today Show.

The number crunchers for the networks have discovered an interesting fact. It seems that the quality of the local news just before the network news has a great impact on the network news viewers. Dah…

So old, ugly people put out to pasture on the evening news broadcasts are now costing Charles Gibson at ABC, Brian Williams at NBC and Katie Couric at CBS millions of viewers and more millions of ad revenues.

Look for a major overhaul of the local news programs leading into the network news. Every station has used the news for a pre-retirement assignment. They are experimenting with everyone for the time slot.

My personal favorite news announcer is Alison Starling who does the morning news. Her numbers and performance are great so the ABC owned station in DC has tried her at the 5 pm and 6 pm news shows.

Of course the station was too cheap to assign someone to her morning and noon shows so poor Alison was doing the 5 am, noon, and 5 pm news, sometimes the 6 pm news, and doing real reporter stories in between. Whoever thought up that schedule wanted to kill her or must have been a relative of one of the old anchors who might be replaced.

When she did the 6 pm news with three old guys she looked like a cheerleader at a geriatric ward. Before the DC station and network overseers give her the 6 pm news like they should some other network will steal her. Maybe this drag on the ratings by the local evening news anchors is why they call them anchors in the first place.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Morris Point Restaurant Beware...

The Morris Point Restaurant will be the scene probably March 31 for the next cuisine review by the Coltons Point Times. Accessible by land or water, which is not a bad way to be for the folks of the Point, this quaint place with it’s quirky owners, Chris, chef de cuisine of the seafood joint and wife Dainty Deb, will be put to the test. Of course it is the only restaurant within about ten miles of the Point besides the Potomac Gardens Arrow Beer bar with the bowls of beer nuts served for every meal, and most people find beer nuts to not be a very balanced meal. One thing I do know, you can always get the drink you want because you have to bring your own. So we will see you all on the 31st at the Morris Point eatery and give you our verdict shortly after the experience. Let's hope there is not another episode like our last visit when things got a little out of hand.

St. Patrick's Day Aftermath

It was generally a quiet day for St. Pats here in the Point with the exceptions of a couple of near disturbances in the north end. At Marie Antoinette's place there was a jam session with Stevie Van Zany leading the charge and an effort was made to play a rendition of Danny Boy in honor of the Irish. Sorry to say no one knew the words and the song was a very short but energetic performance. Up the road at the home of Sweet Sue and Colorado Chris another of their monthly family reunions took place, strange green stuff in glasses circulated freely, and no one cared what they sang.

But down at the Potomac Gardens and Arrow Beer Bar Quiet George actually refused to serve an Irish Cowboy at the bar and caused the biggest stir of all for the holiday as no one knows when George ever turned down a patron before. This time there may have been good reason. Does anyone know the name of the Celtic Cowboy trying to get served at the Arrow Beer Bar, and no it was not Haughty Helen's mysterious boyfriend?

Quiet George Gets Gator!

Quiet George, the outspoken owner of the Potomac Gardens Arrow Beer Bar can often be seen driving the long distance from his house to the Bar across the street in a vintage golf cart probably first used in the 1947 Masters Tournament. At other times he can be seen chugging around the Point in said vintage golf cart sputtering and wheezing as it cruises the Point.

But no longer. Seems Quiet George had an epiphany and decided it was time to admit the old cart had died long ago, and it was only surviving because of life support. So he pulled the plug and got himself a brand new shiny green and yellow Gator, the hottest off the road hot rod built for on the road drivers like Quiet George. At least Duke Deere says something like that about the John Deere Gator.

We caught Quiet George bringing his new gator home and thought we would share it with you. By the way, if you hear him coming be sure and get out of the way.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Hillbilly Joe and the Incredible Labyrinth

We have not had too much to tell you about Hillbilly Joe and his adventures because, quite frankly, we were worried about the effect it might have on your mental stability. Now I figure if you all take the time to follow the news media today, which most of you do, then your mental state must already be pretty fragile and Hillbilly stories might only make you worse, thus raising the average income of the Coltons shrinks.

But now I don’t really care because they, the shrinks, are entitled to their income and what makes me the overseer of the mental state of the Pointers? People will find their own path to insanity and why miss good stories like those of the legendary Hillbilly Joe.

His latest misguided nightmare, which comes to him every time he adjusts the face mask he wears to sleep to regulate the oxygen supply to his brain, as if the oxygen flow to his brain really had anything to do with his thought process, is a tale of tragedy no one should miss.

Hillbilly made one of his infrequent ventures out of the safety of the Coltons swampland with a group of friends to attend a reunion, the kind of social occasion in reality he would avoid like the plague. It must have been some kind of reunion because it was in a hotel that was over 100 stories tall.

Hillbilly checked in and the concierge, the fact they even had a concierge shows you what kind of hotel this was, sent a bell hop to show Hillbilly his room. Like a good country boy Hillbilly left his bags in the lobby so as not to burden the bellhop and to avoid having to spend extra money tipping the guy just for carrying bags.

The room was on the 1st floor although the bellboy took him on the elevator to get there. That should have been the first sign of trouble to old unsuspecting Hillbilly but he didn’t find it odd figuring the bellhop was just taking the long way to get a bigger tip. Once he got there he graciously tipped the guy twenty-five cents and returned with him to the lobby to get his bags.

Armed with two giant suitcases packed by his mother so he would be prepared for anything and any weather, although he was only there for two nights, Hillbilly ambled over to the elevator and punched the button. Inside he punched the button for the 1st floor and the elevator took off for what seemed like eternity to get him where he started, the first floor.

When the door opened all Hillbilly could see were endless corridors and stepping out of the elevator, which promptly slammed the door shut and took off, Hillbilly noticed for the first time there were no room numbers on the doors. Now how in the world was he going to find his room?

At this point he had a key to a room and no clue where the room might be so down the hall he went trying door after door until he came to the 17th door which promptly opened. In the somewhat exhausted Hillbilly went only to discover someone had already moved all their stuff into the room and it couldn’t be his.

Back in the hallway he concluded he was clearly on the wrong floor and set out in search of a stairway as there didn’t seem to be anymore elevator doors around. Finding a sign for the stairs he slammed through the door with the two giant bags in tow and before him the stairs seemed to go straight, not up or down like he expected.

Suffice it to say the day was quite confusing for Hillbilly as he trudged along the flat stairs to the next floor, checked the numberless doors, and came back to the stairs. Several hours later he found a window in the lobby, looked out, and realized he was halfway up the 100 story hotel in search of his room on the first floor.

Well this sad saga goes on and on and he proceeded to meet two women in the stairway also lost. The three stayed together for hours sharing some of the snacks packed in his giant bags before parting company. It was 48 hours later, yes two days, when poor Hillbilly sat down on his bags in utter dismay and all of a sudden through the stairway door popped three of his buddies from the reunion.

They wanted to know where he had been for the past two days; he missed all the parties and beer. Then they led him out the door to his room, the first door they reached. Exhausted but thankful Hillbilly went in only to find the strangest sight.

When he made reservations he ordered a room with a king size bed. The bed he faced was kind of king size as the top mattress was a king, but the box springs under it were full size, thus leaving the king size mattress draping over the box springs to the floor. Some joke he thought.

Jerking the king mattress off he threw it on the floor, promptly dropped to the mattress, and tried to put the entire nightmare behind him by going to sleep without his sleep machine. He awoke to an earthquake, the floor and walls shaking, before he realized it was just his mom pounding at the trailer door wanting to know if he was ready for breakfast. Hillbilly Joe is not so sure about the sleep machine and face mask anymore. And he sure isn’t accepting any invitations to reunions.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

He’s Back…

I took a hiatus to see if anyone noticed I wasn’t posting articles. No one did. So I decided to wait until there was something in the news worth writing about. There wasn’t and still isn’t. So I guess I have to manufacture something news worthy and that’s okay, it can’t be any worse than the stories in the real news.

Today the Maryland legislature voted to apologize for slavery. What nonsense. Other states did the same earlier making the nonsense all the worse. Why in the world are the states apologizing for something that ended 142 years ago? Who are the elected officials who are worried more about 142 year old stuff than the problems of today?

What about the economic uncertainty facing the voters? Ethics? Campaign reform? Crooked credit card companies? Crooked predators working to collect money for the crooked credit card companies? Lousy building contractors? Contaminated food in the stores over and over again? What in the world is in the water in Annapolis to scramble their brains like this?

Maybe we should apologize to the Native American Indians we enslaved, put in prisons and called them reservations, stole their children and forced them into Christianity, and killed off about 100 million thanks to our liquor, guns and disease.

Then we can apologize to the Mexicans, the ones we now refer to as illegals, for stealing their country and homes which used to include all the western USA. Of course there are the Irish and Chinese we placed into the equivalent of forced labor to build the railroads crossing America.

Speaking of apologies, aren’t we owed a few as well? I think the English should apologize for driving us out of England for religious purposes, then stealing our free country back and fighting us in several wars trying to claim ownership to the USA.

The oil companies should apologize for stealing our money. Drug companies should apologize for making us an addicted nation on a collective national trip, to paraphrase former Maryland Governor Spiro Agnew.

Whites should apologize for the KKK, Blacks for the Symbonese Liberation Army. Voters should apologize for the idiots we put in office and politicians should apologize for what they do to us when they get there.

Schools can apologize for all the illiterate high school graduates. George and Barbara Bush can apologize for George, Jr. Yale University can apologize for giving us Bush and Clinton. Matter of fact, when George Jr. is finished next year the USA will have had a Yale educated president for 20 straight years, and Hillary Clinton, yet another Yale graduate, stands in the wings.

So get over it America! We are not a nation of wimps. We did not control the sins of our fathers, their fathers, and their father’s fathers. Get on to dealing with the sins of today and tomorrow, the ones hurting people right here and right now.

World News Recap

The Democrats have now been in control of congress for the first quarter of the year and how are they doing with their laundry list of immediate promises?

The stock market has collapsed, regrouped, and collapsed again.
The trade deficit set another record.
No news on immigration reform.
No news on campaign reform.
Oil prices are skyrocketing again for no reason.
Congress still refuses to investigate the interlocking ownership in oil.
Housing foreclosures are setting new records.
About half of congress is running for president.
The war in Iraq continues as if congress doesn’t even exist.

Hey, things remain pretty much the same and that’s all I have to say about that.