Sunday, November 05, 2006

Email Comments from Readers

Well I know some people are reading the Coltons Point Times because all of a sudden people are becoming unusually friendly toward me, as if that might make sure I only give them a good story in the paper. But I really would rather get comments in emails about just about anything.

A newspaper without Letters to the Editor is like a bath without water. It doesn’t take long to realize it’s pretty obvious that something rather important is missing. So I decided to share my emails with you today. Seems our readers have a diverse sense of interests.

Four of them offered a free credit report. I responded that they should pay me to tell them the truth about my credit. There were credit card offers from all the blue chip money machines. I even got offers for a card with a picture of my university, dog, cat or mother on it. I wrote back and said just skip the card and send me the money.

Comments poured in about my sexuality or lack thereof I guess. Viagra or the many similar products were offered from places stretching from Canada to Brooklyn though I wondered how they knew I was such an under-performer, and what made Canadian Viagra better than others.

If I ever need a date or a wife a widely diverse set of prospects were offered by the emails from single women all colors of the rainbow to about every type of mate one could imagine. I wrote back saying I had a very peculiar taste in mates and could they send me an Irish Leprechaun regardless of sex, or a gypsy fortune teller, or just any old mermaid. Haven’t heard back.

A bunch of nice folk offered me a lot of free stuff so I guess they knew how much you are paying me for subscriptions. I sent back a note telling them the Coltons Point Times was a lot more like a "prescription" than a "subscription", and more than likely prescribed by a psychiatrist than a medical doctor. When I read about all the free stuff I started thinking where I might find an old tobacco barn to keep all of it. But when I replied to them nothing seemed to be as free as the claims. Now either they are telling a lie or lying about what they tell, but either way it comes out about the same.

There were an avalanche of offers of money, loans, mortgages, or anything else whose primary purpose involved making sure I was a true American and borrowed my way into oblivion. By the time I got to the 38th email I began to suspect these really weren’t letters to the editor after all so I hit the delete button and they all vanished into cyber space.

I asked Hillbilly Joe what he thought of the strange emails I was receiving. He said I was victim of a SPAM SCAM. Now I am calmly waiting for the real Pointers to email and tell me what they think if it isn’t asking too much.

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