Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Coltons Point Character Profiles - Part 1.

Hillbilly Joe

Hillbilly Joe, well you can’t help but notice him. He might be in his green truck, blue truck, grey car or even a red truck, or you might just see him cruising on his big old John Deere diesel in formation with Duke Deere. Joey comes from a long and illustrious line of North Carolina Hill folk, most of whose stories cannot be allowed to appear in print.

Always willing to help out, he’s one of two Hillbilly brothers from the Point sent to infiltrate the state and find out what those suits are doing with our tax dollars. They still haven’t figured it out but they’ve only had about 40 years of state service between them and Hillbillies are not prone to jump to conclusions. Hillbilly Joe is the resident Socrates, Aristotle and Plato rolled into one package so if you ever want a philosophical opinion on about anything just ask. Of course being a Hillbilly and all his answers are rather succinct.

What do you think of the elections Hillbilly? “They’re an exercise in intellectual constipation!”
How about the weatherman and his reports? “A blank screen has more accurate information!”

Well what about the gorgeous star of Ghost Whispers? “Hubba-hubba-hubba!” ??????????

No one ever said you had to believe a philosopher.

King Bob

If ever we were to approve our referendum to withdraw from Maryland and become a colony again King Bob would be the titular head of state because of his organizational mastery. There are River Men and there are the men who make them and King Bob is most certainly one of the latter. He has the oldest marina around and for about a thousand years provided the parts, repairs and beer vital to the survival of River Men.

When he decided he might slow down he took over the Clements Island Museum, or he became a living history exhibit in the Museum, we aren’t sure which at this point, but he does have his own parking place and that is a sure fire status symbol. The master manipulator of Coltons Point with his down home approach and humble demeanor King Bob is overseer of the historic Clements Island, the infamous location where the Catholics came and went some 370 years ago.

Mayor Bob

Well talk about institutions, DC has those dead people monuments and we have our Mayor Bob and Lady Anna, the ones with the welcome cannon in the front yard. They can tell you stories about just about every one and every thing in the Point and being located at the only real intersection along the shore, they are in the center of action and attention. If you ever need anything, especially from the ever-missing government, ask Mayor Bob and he will tell you why it won’t happen.

Bob has every tool known to mankind and a fleet of mowers. He needs that fleet to pull himself out when he high-centers another mower in his ditch. Anna has every movie ever made. She gets so many overnight deliveries of movies we suspect the UPS man has a house key. They both have a collection of country and bluegrass records, tapes and cds that would be the envy of many a radio station. Look for them in the garage when the songs are blasting.

Dogman Joe

Dogman Joe has been a fixture walking his dog the same path every morning since maybe the great depression. First there was Max, the king of all companions, and now there is Casey who is determined to show Joe just who is training whom. To say Joe is a cynic would be a gross understatement. I’m not sure there is anyone in the world capable of telling the truth as Joe sees it. His philosophy is pretty clear. “Don’t believe anything you read, see or hear and you will be okay.”

Joe has a soft spot for Fords, at least the ones built before the computers took over. He is almost a genuine River Man though he would never lay claim to the honor being humble as he is but he does have a big old fishing boat that’s landed many a fine catch. He went to Britain once, said it was the last time he’ll ever leave the Point. Said no one should have to pay for such a horrible experience. Cooks a wicked crab, oyster, or fish meal when the pool table is out of the way and yes, he is a card carrying member of the Coltons Point Mowers All Stars.

Admiral Gibby

The Admiral, you know it’s the admiral the minute you set eyes on him. He must still think he’s at the bow of some big ship the way he sways up and down the street. (Actually it’s his knees.) Old Gibby is the first line of defense from the horrors of the swamp so he’s seen more than his fair share of dangerous varmints. When hurricanes hit the water nearly reaches his front porch but he’d never evacuate and miss a chance to look out over the seas.

He works hard at his garden to feed the rabbits and deer but has had some dangerous episodes when he went up against the odorous skunk family, and well, when he went face to face with the giant ground hog it was nearly the end of him. If the Admiral doesn’t respond to you it’s only because he left the hearing aids behind. He says the silence has more meaning than most conversation. He is careful, practicing defensive driving with his flagpole but then this is an old Navy guy who stood on deck and saw Tokyo harbor from a secret oil tanker while we were still at war and his ship was a target.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe the Carpenter, the builder of the church, chapel, temple, synagogue, ashram, shrine or whatever the heck that new building must be on Charles Hall, is another of the interesting characters of Coltons Point. The fact he is a Joe and enjoys being a carpenter might be about as close as he gets to the father of JC though rumor has it he spent a good deal of time in the Middle East and he did marry a Mary as in Rose Mary.

Joe and the Rose have a home, a chapel and an island with a pier that stretches almost to Virginia but they are a little disappointed they can’t go out for a decent dinner here at the Point. There is just no place to dine. So they had to get into a secret society of chefs (maybe the chapel is the new secret headquarters) and the 10-15 member couples are collectively able to make a decent meal between them, but only if it is prepared outside the Point.

Watch for Part Two it may include you!

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