Friday, March 23, 2012

The People Speak Out - Searching for America's Soul


Hillbilly Joe - Another Voice in the Wilderness

Every quadrennial the Colton's Point Times likes to leave our safe haven and find out what the real people out there think.  It always seems more timely when the interview takes place during a presidential election year.

This election we are doing a follow up interview with the most entertaining guest ever to appear in the CPT, Hillbilly Joe.  Hillbilly lives down here in the Yankee Confederate Demilitarized zone in Southern Maryland.

This place was torn during the Civil War being a member of the Union and more Southern than any Southern state of the Confederacy.  In fact Maryland, the Union state, was the most dangerous place on earth for President Abraham Lincoln.

That was about 147 years ago that it ended, or 375,585 days, 5 hours and thirty-seven seconds since the South surrendered and the world came to a premature end according to Hillbilly Joe.

It seems a lot has happened to Hillbilly Joe since our last interview.  First he had a music video with the bad boys John Galt and the Junk Yard Dogs.  Then the people "lost their wits" in Hillbilly's terms and elected that "Barak Obama" as president pretender.

That alone was enough to cause contemplated fleeing to another country but none could be found offering adequate immunity to Hillbilly's family and in particular their beloved "huntin' dawgs", Darrell, Darrell and Darrell of course.

Finally Hillbilly Joe put his foot down and a cloud of dust exploded from the seismic shock, and told his family he was not leaving Southern Maryland cause he wanted to keep his John Deere Dealer and nothing on this earth, preacher included, was as important as a competent John Deere Dealer.

Besides, that dealer gave him a bona fide John Deere hat.  You don't mess with John Deere loyalty in Hillbilly country.

I once asked Hillbilly what political party he joined and he said neither since they both supported the socialist government in Washington, which is only about 60 miles away.  To Hillbilly there is a simple choice between American or Socialist.

So what makes up an American to Hillbilly?

"Real Americans don't allow code enforcement by them bureaucraps," he shot back.  "Ain't nobody gonna tells us what we like, what we eat, or what we think.  And sure as hell no one gonna tell us how to build our homes or what to do with our toilet water.

So what do you think of the job Barack Obama did these last three years I asked?

"Whose he?" Hillbilly said though I think he might be pulling my leg.

"You know, our president," I replied.

"Oh that Obama.  Daddy says he's an alien, like those Avatars from Hollywood.  You know the ones?  Anyway, I think it's time he got a new job."

"So who would you vote for?" I asked.

"Not one of them thieves!" he bellowed, "I ain't even registered to vote and I can't because I might become one of them socialists."

"Either way we got another four years under a minority president and that sucks."

I reminded Hillbilly that Romney was White but Hillbilly said he was also Mormon and that made him minority.

"So what is the biggest problem facing America?" I asked.

"Damn diesel is too expensive for the John Deere.  It's killing us little people.  I tell you if that diesel gets over $5.00 a gallon the Deere people will stop mowing, stop weed cutting, and stop hauling junk to the dump!  We could see the renewal of the Civil War at $6.00 a gallon."

When I asked how the recession affected his life he lit up.

"Can't afford good steaks for the barbeque, got to cook burgers and chicken.  Walmart's been overrun by cheap China stuff.  And they sold Bud to foreigners.  Even the Bud frogs and Clydesdales are foreign owned.   Can you imagine that?

Can't even afford our big trucks anymore.  Now we faced critical decisions.  Do we drive the hog or eat fries and Big Macs?"

"Come to think of it, for the first time in my life as a bona fide bachelor, I had to start thinkun' about how much food my date ate so as I could afford her."

According to Hillbilly downsizing for a Hillbilly or Redneck is impossible.  Most of what they got filling the garage, basement, attic and front yard are priceless treasurers.

Take for example, the Bathtub Mary.  Now that is a shrine like no other.  Old Joe says it is Hillbilly landscaping.  Once the tub stops holding water you turn it into a shrine.  A form of ancient recycling. 

But most junk comes in the form of parts from something that broke, all the left over nails, screws and wood from projects that didn't get finished, and anything he came across that he did not recognize.  You see, if he didn't know what it was then he better hang on to it until he found out.

Hillbilly also went through a real relationship for a time, even attempting the concept of cohabitating for a while.  He thinks he might have been under some powerful kind of voodoo spell then because what else could make him move from the comforts of Hillbilly Heaven to the alien landscape of town.

Now Hillbilly lives in his parent's garage with his car and television which is quite a step up from our last interview before the 2008 election.  Back then he lived in a house trailer in his parents back yard until the giant Pine tree started dropping branches from about 100 feet onto the roof of the trailer.

With his corner condo in the garage he only needs to leave home to go to the bathroom or shower across the yard in his parents house.  As a culture Hillbilly's really have little regard for expensive working bathrooms when Mother Nature has always taken care of things.

Hillbilly left the comforts of home to try his hand at living with someone but a Hillbilly without family is like a Big Mac without meat.  In time he returned to his shed full of parts, skunks under the house, Bathtub Mary and mom's home cooking.

He did blame Obama for some of his recent suffering.  Since Obama started raising the price of diesel and gasoline he was forced to make an economic choice, to get rid of his Ford pick up or John Deere tractor to save money.

No way the Deere was going, I mean it was a true revenue generator bringing in tax free bucks mowing lawns.  So he traded in the Ford truck for a Chevrolet Sonic, a 40 mile per gallon car.

Hillbilly felt bad buying a car from Government Motors Company, GMC, when Ford was the only one to not take a bailout.  But his purchase of a Chev really hurt Hillbilly Joe's pop who was Ford lifer. Hillbilly might as well have become an Obama socialist.

As for the class warfare issue raised by the president, Hillbilly said it was stupid with a capital "D", everyone knows there are two classes, Hillbillies and Inferiors.

On the issue of food quality Hillbilly said people been gettin' sicker ever since the white coats started messing with the food chain and pumpin' drugs into our livestock.

War in Afghanistan?  Why are we fighting there when illegals are running all over our borders back here?  Bring the troops home.

According to Hillbilly Joe it seems we have provided so much protection to the doctors through insurance and government regulations with so many restrictions that they don't do any genuine healing for fear of setting a bad example.

Yet Hillbilly considers himself a true patriot unlike those socialists in DC.  Why isn't it obvious from the Confederate flag flying from the pole in the bzckyard, with the Don't Tread on Me flag below it, while living in the garage condo just a stone's throw from the nearest bathroom.

Okay, we heard enough for this election.  Can't wait for the next quadrennial.

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