Who knows how many people might be reading The Coltons Point Times but somewhere someone must be because we’ve received emails from readers in sixteen states outside of Maryland including California, Nevada, Florida, Kentucky, Ohio, Maine and Louisiana.
Even more interesting is the reaction by news makers to the stories that have appeared in the CPT. For example, November 15 we reported the Democrats won the election and oil prices went up, how could that be? By December 12 we reported oil prices continued their climb in spite of consumer restraint and good weather.
On January 8 we blasted the industry and the financial firms behind oil pricing with the “Oil Profiteering” expose on interlocking ownership between financial institutions, oil companies and the international energy futures market calling for Congressional and media investigations.
In December we were right and oil prices increased 2.5% in spite of the reduced use of oil and warm weather according to the Consumer Price Index. But after the January 8 expose of price manipulation what happened, the price dropped dramatically in the past 10 days nearly 16.5%. Of course the price at the pump has not dropped like that as energy companies suck the last vestiges of profits from us, the consumers.
Nothing has been done by Congress and the media to expose what we documented and you should be demanding that your Congressional reps investigate because you will get hoodwinked again, and again, and again until a stop is finally put to the interlocking ownership and prices can no longer be fixed or manipulated.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Face Stuffers Beware
Now that the holiday season is winding down it’s probably time you need to start winding down too by making yet another New Years Resolution to shed some pounds and thin the thunder thighs. My do we find new and ingenious ways to contribute to America’s obsession with obesity during those holidays.
To help you I’m going to offer reviews of places to eat when I actually do leave the security of Coltons Point and venture out into the cold, cruel world. It may surprise you that someone like me who doesn’t even like to eat and never eats more than a single meal a day can review eateries but just consider it an unbiased view of your world.
Today I’m reporting on a place people have been bugging me to visit for quite some time, Linda’s Café in Leonardtown. Now one of my pet peeves is the Point does not have enough eating places, none in fact unless you consider pretzels at the Potomac Gardens a meal, so traveling 30 minutes for a meal already has me on edge.
But it was breakfast and I was hoping my taste buds were still asleep. I was wrong. When we entered the place it seemed nice enough though there were an awful lot of workers looking for something to do. The big sign at the entrance was blank so I guess nothing was special that Saturday morning.
Not even the breakfast buffet was on the sign or the menu or even on a little sign at the table. The entire time we were there, over an hour as it seemed our breakfast was most difficult to prepare, only one person went to the buffet where all the dishes were covered and not a single café worker ever checked the food or brought fresh food.
We sat at the counter so I could watch the food preparation, another big mistake. Seems about everything being cooked for breakfast was made on the same grill in the same fat or grease or whatever that stuff was slopped across the grill. Huge piles of home fries and bacon were heaped on the side of the grill and were there the entire hour making me wonder just how fresh any meal could be.
The person cooking the food wore no gloves while handling all types of raw food and the person preparing the plates wore no gloves while pushing all the servings around the plates with their hands. In the hour we were there no one seemed to see a need to wash their hands so I guess all the bacteria and food poisoning outbreaks don’t happen in Leonardtown.
Even my two eggs arrived cold and I was no more than ten feet from the grill so I guess they had some energy saving cold fuel for cooking. On the other hand, Hillbilly Joe ordered toast which was burned so bad it was not even brought to the table. About 30 minutes passed before the food showed up, minus the toast. About 20 minutes later we inquired as to the disposition of the toast and were told it was burned.
End of discussion. I guess if the cook blows it the first time you don’t get it. So we said we still wanted the toast since we paid extra for it and the surprised waitress took our order and returned in minutes with the toast making me wonder how badly burned the first toast was if it took 50 minutes.
The coffee was pretty bad so it was a good thing no one was offering refills though most places would make that a policy. About the only thing I liked was being able to buy the New York Times and Washington Post at the newspaper stand and then I realized all the reading material must be to distract you so you would not watch the food preparation.
Whatever happened to the short order Diners with the mouthy waitresses and the always fresh food, steaming hot coffee, constant refills and bizarre conversations? If Coltons Point ever wants to take a quantum leap forward we should start a Diner so the Potomac Gardens pretzel bowls have some decent competition. Do you get the idea I was not all that impressed with Leonardtown cuisine? At least it is somewhere you can go to get out of the cold.
To help you I’m going to offer reviews of places to eat when I actually do leave the security of Coltons Point and venture out into the cold, cruel world. It may surprise you that someone like me who doesn’t even like to eat and never eats more than a single meal a day can review eateries but just consider it an unbiased view of your world.
Today I’m reporting on a place people have been bugging me to visit for quite some time, Linda’s Café in Leonardtown. Now one of my pet peeves is the Point does not have enough eating places, none in fact unless you consider pretzels at the Potomac Gardens a meal, so traveling 30 minutes for a meal already has me on edge.
But it was breakfast and I was hoping my taste buds were still asleep. I was wrong. When we entered the place it seemed nice enough though there were an awful lot of workers looking for something to do. The big sign at the entrance was blank so I guess nothing was special that Saturday morning.
Not even the breakfast buffet was on the sign or the menu or even on a little sign at the table. The entire time we were there, over an hour as it seemed our breakfast was most difficult to prepare, only one person went to the buffet where all the dishes were covered and not a single café worker ever checked the food or brought fresh food.
We sat at the counter so I could watch the food preparation, another big mistake. Seems about everything being cooked for breakfast was made on the same grill in the same fat or grease or whatever that stuff was slopped across the grill. Huge piles of home fries and bacon were heaped on the side of the grill and were there the entire hour making me wonder just how fresh any meal could be.
The person cooking the food wore no gloves while handling all types of raw food and the person preparing the plates wore no gloves while pushing all the servings around the plates with their hands. In the hour we were there no one seemed to see a need to wash their hands so I guess all the bacteria and food poisoning outbreaks don’t happen in Leonardtown.
Even my two eggs arrived cold and I was no more than ten feet from the grill so I guess they had some energy saving cold fuel for cooking. On the other hand, Hillbilly Joe ordered toast which was burned so bad it was not even brought to the table. About 30 minutes passed before the food showed up, minus the toast. About 20 minutes later we inquired as to the disposition of the toast and were told it was burned.
End of discussion. I guess if the cook blows it the first time you don’t get it. So we said we still wanted the toast since we paid extra for it and the surprised waitress took our order and returned in minutes with the toast making me wonder how badly burned the first toast was if it took 50 minutes.
The coffee was pretty bad so it was a good thing no one was offering refills though most places would make that a policy. About the only thing I liked was being able to buy the New York Times and Washington Post at the newspaper stand and then I realized all the reading material must be to distract you so you would not watch the food preparation.
Whatever happened to the short order Diners with the mouthy waitresses and the always fresh food, steaming hot coffee, constant refills and bizarre conversations? If Coltons Point ever wants to take a quantum leap forward we should start a Diner so the Potomac Gardens pretzel bowls have some decent competition. Do you get the idea I was not all that impressed with Leonardtown cuisine? At least it is somewhere you can go to get out of the cold.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Isn’t it about the End Times?
For those of you that don’t know it I’ve made it a lifelong goal to study religions, movements, secret societies, cults, metaphysical stuff, spiritual, ad infinitum to try and get a handle on the End Times. When I thought the Jehovah’s Witnesses were close to getting it I observed and studied them close up, sort of witnessing the Witnesses, until we passed about the fifth Judgment Day without incident.
Still seeking answers I cross referenced my 40 year background with Native Americans like the Hopi, Navajo, Algonquin, Lakota Sioux, Maya and many other tribes around the world and their culture of life cycles with the New Age gurus, channellers, psychics and mystics and their many audiences, tapes, videos and books for sale to guide you through the end.
As a result of the prophecies, speculations, delusions and drug inspired visions I’ve heard along the way I thought I would share some of the latest news. First, the End Times is not really the end times but a stepping stone in the evolution of civilization as the various gods we worship are not about to give up on their best form of entertainment, the human race.
Divine intervention has a way of fixing things humans seem incapable of dealing with on their own so throughout the 5 billion plus year existence of Earth there have been enough meteors, volcanic eruptions, Biblical floods, ice ages and warm ups to pretty well change the face of the planet every 26,000 years or so without the help of the helpless humans.
Here are some scientific givens about the planet Earth. There are warming and cooling cycles taking place every 26,000 years as the orbit of the Earth moves from the farthest point from the sun to the nearest. When we are the farthest away we have an ice age, when we are nearest we have global warming no matter what mankind may do. The last ice age was about 13,500 years ago when we were farthest away. We are now at the nearest point to the sun and lo and behold we have global warming. Next come the floods.
The Earth is a living organism and it generates an electrical pulsing frequency which can change. It is now rising in frequency. The electromagnetic poles of the Earth do reverse every few millennium meaning when it happens your microwave, TV, computer and car won’t work. When there is an electromagnetic reversal your stuff won’t work for a few thousand years so don’t wait for TV to come back on.
Continental shelves do move around. There are swamps in Russia buried under the Siberian tundra, just like in Canada. Evidence suggests Antarctica was once far from the South Pole and some Earth realignment pushed it down there. What all this means is we humans have very little control over what happens to the Earth and less to the universe.
My research indicates there are three phases of the End Times that should be obvious to all mankind. There is a Purification stage in which the Earth is shed of all those not willing to work for love. During this time the evil, wicked, greedy, etc. will be removed by various undesirable and often horrible means. Or, they may just vanish.
Next comes the time of peace and harmony where those left are doing what is right to help others in turn helping themselves to an enlightened existence free of sickness, want, maybe even death. We shall call this the Bliss State. Finally the End Time arrives and either Heaven is brought to Earth or Earthlings are brought to Heaven for an eternity of Oneness. Personally, if that means spending eternity listening to harps and choirs while wearing a white robe and eating grapes I’m not sure I’m all for it.
The reason I bring all this up is the metaphysical world seems to be converging on the belief that this year, 2007, will be the year the Earth’s frequency reaches the point where the bad guys get zapped into never, never land. Seems like the Purification has gone on long enough and will now culminate with a lot of very bad things this year; resulting in the disappearance of all the really bad people not willing to contribute to the enlightenment of mankind. If you are one of the bad guys you might want to make plans for your end.
Okay, here is how this will work. Good people are raising their own frequency as the frequency of the Earth is increasing. Doing and thinking good things seems to have that effect. Bad people have negative energy and this lowers their frequency as the Earth frequency increases. Since human beings and the Earth are both things, they can’t exist with conflicting frequencies in the same state of being. Either you see the light or get zapped out of here.
It sounds good to me. No more overcrowding, high real estate prices, crime or pollution. Maybe no more taxation and wars. Plenty of food and shelter. You might be walking but that’s okay if you are surrounded by good people.
You heard it first here in the CP Times with this report that the metaphysical world is all a thither as finally we have reached the end of the Purification when the bad guys finally get justice in a permanent way. Watch for the signs if it is true, signs like unnatural disasters, mental instability on a wide scale, unexpected natural disasters, chaos, a breakdown of society and whatever else it takes for the bad guys to self-destruct.
If you want to know what you can do to survive you can order my series of audio, video, books and tee shirts on Getting Pure in the Purification. If you would just as soon skip the whole process of evolution you should order my book appropriately titled Take Me Now God! for the short form exit plan.
Still seeking answers I cross referenced my 40 year background with Native Americans like the Hopi, Navajo, Algonquin, Lakota Sioux, Maya and many other tribes around the world and their culture of life cycles with the New Age gurus, channellers, psychics and mystics and their many audiences, tapes, videos and books for sale to guide you through the end.
As a result of the prophecies, speculations, delusions and drug inspired visions I’ve heard along the way I thought I would share some of the latest news. First, the End Times is not really the end times but a stepping stone in the evolution of civilization as the various gods we worship are not about to give up on their best form of entertainment, the human race.
Divine intervention has a way of fixing things humans seem incapable of dealing with on their own so throughout the 5 billion plus year existence of Earth there have been enough meteors, volcanic eruptions, Biblical floods, ice ages and warm ups to pretty well change the face of the planet every 26,000 years or so without the help of the helpless humans.
Here are some scientific givens about the planet Earth. There are warming and cooling cycles taking place every 26,000 years as the orbit of the Earth moves from the farthest point from the sun to the nearest. When we are the farthest away we have an ice age, when we are nearest we have global warming no matter what mankind may do. The last ice age was about 13,500 years ago when we were farthest away. We are now at the nearest point to the sun and lo and behold we have global warming. Next come the floods.
The Earth is a living organism and it generates an electrical pulsing frequency which can change. It is now rising in frequency. The electromagnetic poles of the Earth do reverse every few millennium meaning when it happens your microwave, TV, computer and car won’t work. When there is an electromagnetic reversal your stuff won’t work for a few thousand years so don’t wait for TV to come back on.
Continental shelves do move around. There are swamps in Russia buried under the Siberian tundra, just like in Canada. Evidence suggests Antarctica was once far from the South Pole and some Earth realignment pushed it down there. What all this means is we humans have very little control over what happens to the Earth and less to the universe.
My research indicates there are three phases of the End Times that should be obvious to all mankind. There is a Purification stage in which the Earth is shed of all those not willing to work for love. During this time the evil, wicked, greedy, etc. will be removed by various undesirable and often horrible means. Or, they may just vanish.
Next comes the time of peace and harmony where those left are doing what is right to help others in turn helping themselves to an enlightened existence free of sickness, want, maybe even death. We shall call this the Bliss State. Finally the End Time arrives and either Heaven is brought to Earth or Earthlings are brought to Heaven for an eternity of Oneness. Personally, if that means spending eternity listening to harps and choirs while wearing a white robe and eating grapes I’m not sure I’m all for it.
The reason I bring all this up is the metaphysical world seems to be converging on the belief that this year, 2007, will be the year the Earth’s frequency reaches the point where the bad guys get zapped into never, never land. Seems like the Purification has gone on long enough and will now culminate with a lot of very bad things this year; resulting in the disappearance of all the really bad people not willing to contribute to the enlightenment of mankind. If you are one of the bad guys you might want to make plans for your end.
Okay, here is how this will work. Good people are raising their own frequency as the frequency of the Earth is increasing. Doing and thinking good things seems to have that effect. Bad people have negative energy and this lowers their frequency as the Earth frequency increases. Since human beings and the Earth are both things, they can’t exist with conflicting frequencies in the same state of being. Either you see the light or get zapped out of here.
It sounds good to me. No more overcrowding, high real estate prices, crime or pollution. Maybe no more taxation and wars. Plenty of food and shelter. You might be walking but that’s okay if you are surrounded by good people.
You heard it first here in the CP Times with this report that the metaphysical world is all a thither as finally we have reached the end of the Purification when the bad guys finally get justice in a permanent way. Watch for the signs if it is true, signs like unnatural disasters, mental instability on a wide scale, unexpected natural disasters, chaos, a breakdown of society and whatever else it takes for the bad guys to self-destruct.
If you want to know what you can do to survive you can order my series of audio, video, books and tee shirts on Getting Pure in the Purification. If you would just as soon skip the whole process of evolution you should order my book appropriately titled Take Me Now God! for the short form exit plan.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Oil Price Profiteering – Whose Doing What to Whom?
Okay, I’ve been waiting for the truth for as long as I can and now I’m convinced there is little truth of substance forthcoming from the hallowed halls of the free press of America. That’s just fine as long as the public understands the truth may be absent from reporting. It reminds me of a time about 10 years ago when I was in Moscow, as in Russia. I was searching for missing Stalin and Communist party film archives at a secret building in the frontier outside Moscow, on the perimeter of a former Soviet missile base.
The place was built by Stalin just before he died and many of his most valuable archives were moved there far outside Moscow where they would be safe from mobs in the city in case the Communists lost control one day. Well the day came a few years before I arrived and the KGB headquarters and archives in Moscow were stormed and destroyed when the Soviet Union collapsed. Of course the KGB had already removed anything of value, just as Saddam Hussein had moved the weapons of mass destruction long before the Americans invaded Iraq.
But people could not get to the Stalin archives in the frontier and thus I was hot on the trail of the truth about the Soviet empire. While interviewing and trying to train Russian librarians working for the archives I asked if they watched the news under the Soviets and they said yes. Yet they made it very clear they did not believe the news because the media and politicians were all controlled by more powerful forces. Imagine that! It could never happen in America.
So here we are today, well in to one of the warmest winters and years in history. People are traveling less and spending less because of previous horrendous hikes in oil prices last year. To my amazement, the oil people quietly released information late last week that oil prices have now increased five straight weeks. Heating oil use is way down. Gasoline use is way down. There were no hurricanes this past year. Energy conservation is way up. Yet the oil prices continue their upward climb.
What did the media or Congress or the White House have to say about this economic anomaly? Nothing? No answers and no questions. Do you find that a bit odd? I do. But the anomaly is still consistent with previous research I did and I have been waiting for the press or Congress to find the same information, what with their millions of dollars being spent investigating the high prices of oil.
When you slam down the gas pedal do you know where the gas comes from to get into your tank? Well crude oil is pumped from the ground all over the world but mostly from the Middle East. The barrels of crude are then sold on the energy futures markets in London and New York. Crude oil goes to refineries all over the place to be processed into fuel for heating, automobile use, and the millions of products made from petrol chemical feed stocks.
Multinational oil companies and a few governments own the oil reserves and they get their money back when the crude is sold on the futures markets, often before it is even pumped from the wells. Not a bad way to minimize losses, especially if the futures markets can prop up the cost of crude. All that takes is an occasional report from an independent financial analyst saying something bad about oil and the price skyrockets on the futures market. The financial analysts work for the financial institutions that finance oil companies and oil processing. One assumes they are truly independent otherwise their reports would be price fixing.
Who are the independent financial institutions whose reports influence the oil futures prices? You know them well because they probably handle some of your retirement or other money. Firms like Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Deutsche Bank (Germany), Société Générale (France) and others are among the biggest in the world. Among the major oil firms whose prices they influence are BP Amoco, Royal Dutch Shell and TotalfinaElf, all three among the top eight most profitable corporations in the world in 2005. So what do these international powerhouses from the financial and oil industries have in common that is not well known?
They were all launch partners of the privately held IntercontinentalExchange, Inc. which just happens to own the International Petroleum Exchange of London, one of the world’s largest energy futures and options exchanges. So the financiers of oil companies and the oil companies themselves are partners owning the very international oil exchange that determines the price of oil and the profits to be made from it throughout the world. By the way, is it any wonder oil industry analysts are always giving bad news that increases the price of oil?
Now why weren’t we told by our government, our Congress or our press of this obvious conflict of interest, the possible manipulation of prices, and most certainly the profiteering from spiraling oil prices by these multinational companies? Aren’t the stock and futures exchanges supposed to help regulate and bring credibility to the economic markets around the world? Maybe you should ask your favorite politicians what gives, and how much he or she received the last campaign from the financial and oil companies involved in these rather greedy business practices.
The place was built by Stalin just before he died and many of his most valuable archives were moved there far outside Moscow where they would be safe from mobs in the city in case the Communists lost control one day. Well the day came a few years before I arrived and the KGB headquarters and archives in Moscow were stormed and destroyed when the Soviet Union collapsed. Of course the KGB had already removed anything of value, just as Saddam Hussein had moved the weapons of mass destruction long before the Americans invaded Iraq.
But people could not get to the Stalin archives in the frontier and thus I was hot on the trail of the truth about the Soviet empire. While interviewing and trying to train Russian librarians working for the archives I asked if they watched the news under the Soviets and they said yes. Yet they made it very clear they did not believe the news because the media and politicians were all controlled by more powerful forces. Imagine that! It could never happen in America.
So here we are today, well in to one of the warmest winters and years in history. People are traveling less and spending less because of previous horrendous hikes in oil prices last year. To my amazement, the oil people quietly released information late last week that oil prices have now increased five straight weeks. Heating oil use is way down. Gasoline use is way down. There were no hurricanes this past year. Energy conservation is way up. Yet the oil prices continue their upward climb.
What did the media or Congress or the White House have to say about this economic anomaly? Nothing? No answers and no questions. Do you find that a bit odd? I do. But the anomaly is still consistent with previous research I did and I have been waiting for the press or Congress to find the same information, what with their millions of dollars being spent investigating the high prices of oil.
When you slam down the gas pedal do you know where the gas comes from to get into your tank? Well crude oil is pumped from the ground all over the world but mostly from the Middle East. The barrels of crude are then sold on the energy futures markets in London and New York. Crude oil goes to refineries all over the place to be processed into fuel for heating, automobile use, and the millions of products made from petrol chemical feed stocks.
Multinational oil companies and a few governments own the oil reserves and they get their money back when the crude is sold on the futures markets, often before it is even pumped from the wells. Not a bad way to minimize losses, especially if the futures markets can prop up the cost of crude. All that takes is an occasional report from an independent financial analyst saying something bad about oil and the price skyrockets on the futures market. The financial analysts work for the financial institutions that finance oil companies and oil processing. One assumes they are truly independent otherwise their reports would be price fixing.
Who are the independent financial institutions whose reports influence the oil futures prices? You know them well because they probably handle some of your retirement or other money. Firms like Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Deutsche Bank (Germany), Société Générale (France) and others are among the biggest in the world. Among the major oil firms whose prices they influence are BP Amoco, Royal Dutch Shell and TotalfinaElf, all three among the top eight most profitable corporations in the world in 2005. So what do these international powerhouses from the financial and oil industries have in common that is not well known?
They were all launch partners of the privately held IntercontinentalExchange, Inc. which just happens to own the International Petroleum Exchange of London, one of the world’s largest energy futures and options exchanges. So the financiers of oil companies and the oil companies themselves are partners owning the very international oil exchange that determines the price of oil and the profits to be made from it throughout the world. By the way, is it any wonder oil industry analysts are always giving bad news that increases the price of oil?
Now why weren’t we told by our government, our Congress or our press of this obvious conflict of interest, the possible manipulation of prices, and most certainly the profiteering from spiraling oil prices by these multinational companies? Aren’t the stock and futures exchanges supposed to help regulate and bring credibility to the economic markets around the world? Maybe you should ask your favorite politicians what gives, and how much he or she received the last campaign from the financial and oil companies involved in these rather greedy business practices.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Farewell To The People's President
Bob Woodward – Blabbermouth of American Media!
Egomaniac, Opportunist and Sensationalist Extraordinaire
By Jim Putnam
Bob Woodward, former Washington Post reporter of Watergate “Deep Throat” fame has taken a giant leap forward on his path of single handedly trying to demonstrate the sorry state of decline the journalism profession in America has reached. The day after President Ford died Woodward release a tape of an interview with the former President, a tape Ford requested not be released until after his death.
Woodward, the mad dog of opportunistic reporting and despicable journalist practices did not even have the decency to wait until the former President was buried before releasing the most provocative elements of the taping in which Ford disagreed with the Bush administration handling of the Iraq war.
Ever the seeker of sensationalism in reporting, especially when he has a new book on the market with disappointing sales, Woodward used his confidential taping of Ford in order to smear the Bush administration, to cast doubt on Ford’s honesty, and to distract from the many ceremonies honoring the “People’s President”.
Ford did not have an imperial presidency like others, but he did encounter an imperial media hack in Woodward. I doubt Ford said Woodward should release edited fragments of his interview at the instant of his death while his wife was in mourning and before he was even in the ground. Being the egomaniac he is Woodward showed no respect for the Ford family, for the fact Ford was kind enough to grant him the interview in the first place, or for the fact reporters are supposed to be reporting the news, not manufacturing it.
Woodward demonstrated once again when reporters think they are the stars of the news, and when good judgment and common decency can so easily be ignored, then it is no wonder the credibility of the news media has been tossed down the toilet. After this travesty no one in their right mind should be a confidential source to a self-serving blabbermouth like Woodward.
Egomaniac, Opportunist and Sensationalist Extraordinaire
By Jim Putnam
Bob Woodward, former Washington Post reporter of Watergate “Deep Throat” fame has taken a giant leap forward on his path of single handedly trying to demonstrate the sorry state of decline the journalism profession in America has reached. The day after President Ford died Woodward release a tape of an interview with the former President, a tape Ford requested not be released until after his death.
Woodward, the mad dog of opportunistic reporting and despicable journalist practices did not even have the decency to wait until the former President was buried before releasing the most provocative elements of the taping in which Ford disagreed with the Bush administration handling of the Iraq war.
Ever the seeker of sensationalism in reporting, especially when he has a new book on the market with disappointing sales, Woodward used his confidential taping of Ford in order to smear the Bush administration, to cast doubt on Ford’s honesty, and to distract from the many ceremonies honoring the “People’s President”.
Ford did not have an imperial presidency like others, but he did encounter an imperial media hack in Woodward. I doubt Ford said Woodward should release edited fragments of his interview at the instant of his death while his wife was in mourning and before he was even in the ground. Being the egomaniac he is Woodward showed no respect for the Ford family, for the fact Ford was kind enough to grant him the interview in the first place, or for the fact reporters are supposed to be reporting the news, not manufacturing it.
Woodward demonstrated once again when reporters think they are the stars of the news, and when good judgment and common decency can so easily be ignored, then it is no wonder the credibility of the news media has been tossed down the toilet. After this travesty no one in their right mind should be a confidential source to a self-serving blabbermouth like Woodward.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Wild Thing Rules Colton Point Skies
The magnificent Wild Thing, named by the Delaware Eagle Rehab Center where Wild Thing was taken after being rescued from the Potomac River by Jim Putnam, had nearly died from lead poisoning from the fish he ate. After several months in rehab Wild Thing was returned to Coltons Point and Putnam released him in the lot behind the Museum.
Wild Thing, his lifelong mate and two young offspring can be seen soaring over the Point most mornings and mid afternoon. You will know him from the massive size and silver tag on his leg. Regarding the unusual rescue in which Putnam waded out into the current in freezing chest deep water and Wild Thing actually swam to him to be saved, don't believe Ernie when he tells you the water is only knee deep.
Also, if you want to save a Bald Eagle don't listen to the authorities who warned Putnam not to interfer with the rescue of a Bald Eagle or he would be fined $10,000. Wild Thing would be dead if Putnam listened to the warnings. Wild Thing was the first of two Bald Eagles Putnam helped save and release back into Coltons Point and they are most certainly the most beautiful of all nature's wonders we share.
May your spirits soar this New Year on the wings of the eagles that share our home.
New Years Resolutions for Pointers
2007 should be a time for the Pointer True Hearts to rally around the flag and build the Colony of Coltons Point into the home of the proud Pointers starting with the tee shirt stating “I’m Proud to be a Pointer”.
Then we have the Four Seasons Social Schedule to kick off a tremendous year with some quite ambitious undertakings meant to bring together the people of the point (POPers).
Spring
May Day Flower Festival – take a planned walking tour of the Point leading the unsuspecting public to all the secret locations of the beautiful flowers hidden throughout the Point. To take place the first Saturday of May it should include a re-enactment of a genuine European May Day festival with the Maypole and all.
Memorial Weekend Environmental Clean Up – a series of clean up projects for the Point will take place ranging from the first annual Burn Out to shore line and road clean up crews, etc. More details to follow.
Summer
The Pointers Potomac River Raft Regatta & Street Festival featuring original raft prizes, fun in the sun festivities, and the Coltons Point Talent Show competition.
Grand Opening of the Museum Band Stand and Summer Concert Series – where local and unique musical performers will perform weekly Sunday afternoon concerts in the new bandstand to be built on Museum grounds. One day a month a major concert will be held at the St. Clements Island amphitheater which will also need a Grand Opening Celebration of Music.
Fall
Coltons Point Colony Theatre Company (CPCTC) will premiere the original play in vintage dress titled The Native Pointer Perspective of the Pilgrims Progress or Lack Thereof, subtitled, Look at those Silly White Skins in that Ark and Dove.
Mini Macys Pointer Parade the day after Thanksgiving to welcome the Christmas season with a stunning parade of all the blow up Christmas decorations from throughout the Point (Santa’s, Snowmen, etc.) being towed by a massive fleet of riding mowers.
Winter
A Colony Christmas Eve reenacting a colonial Christmas in the days before electricity, television, computers and cars built around Christmas Carol teams on trailers being taken around the Point to serenade shut ins. All Pointers will then gather at the Museum Grandstand for Carols, Cider, Peace and good cheer. Luminaries will line the streets of the Point.
Coltons Point First Annual Snow Ball Championship in January will feature the women of the Point (Pointettes) taking on the men of the Point (Pointers) in a softball slow pitch President’s championship game to be played in rain or snow, hell or high water. The winning team will get to claim ownership of the President’s Cup which will be on permanent display in the Arrow Bar and drinks will be on the losers.
Then we have the Four Seasons Social Schedule to kick off a tremendous year with some quite ambitious undertakings meant to bring together the people of the point (POPers).
Spring
May Day Flower Festival – take a planned walking tour of the Point leading the unsuspecting public to all the secret locations of the beautiful flowers hidden throughout the Point. To take place the first Saturday of May it should include a re-enactment of a genuine European May Day festival with the Maypole and all.
Memorial Weekend Environmental Clean Up – a series of clean up projects for the Point will take place ranging from the first annual Burn Out to shore line and road clean up crews, etc. More details to follow.
Summer
The Pointers Potomac River Raft Regatta & Street Festival featuring original raft prizes, fun in the sun festivities, and the Coltons Point Talent Show competition.
Grand Opening of the Museum Band Stand and Summer Concert Series – where local and unique musical performers will perform weekly Sunday afternoon concerts in the new bandstand to be built on Museum grounds. One day a month a major concert will be held at the St. Clements Island amphitheater which will also need a Grand Opening Celebration of Music.
Fall
Coltons Point Colony Theatre Company (CPCTC) will premiere the original play in vintage dress titled The Native Pointer Perspective of the Pilgrims Progress or Lack Thereof, subtitled, Look at those Silly White Skins in that Ark and Dove.
Mini Macys Pointer Parade the day after Thanksgiving to welcome the Christmas season with a stunning parade of all the blow up Christmas decorations from throughout the Point (Santa’s, Snowmen, etc.) being towed by a massive fleet of riding mowers.
Winter
A Colony Christmas Eve reenacting a colonial Christmas in the days before electricity, television, computers and cars built around Christmas Carol teams on trailers being taken around the Point to serenade shut ins. All Pointers will then gather at the Museum Grandstand for Carols, Cider, Peace and good cheer. Luminaries will line the streets of the Point.
Coltons Point First Annual Snow Ball Championship in January will feature the women of the Point (Pointettes) taking on the men of the Point (Pointers) in a softball slow pitch President’s championship game to be played in rain or snow, hell or high water. The winning team will get to claim ownership of the President’s Cup which will be on permanent display in the Arrow Bar and drinks will be on the losers.
Coltons Point Social Club Brings Down the Year!
The Coltons Point Social Club brought the year 2006 to a dramatic close with the Carpenter Joe and Rose the Mary New Years Celebration of hope, peace and love on the island compound where the crowd got so big that after Haughty Helen’s arrival the draw bridge was raised.
It seemed most of the Coltons Point characters were out in their best dressed, best behaved mood and the mix of Pointers was nothing short of eclectic. Hillbilly Joe combed his hair for the first time in modern memory, Bren kept worrying her hair would become an unmanageable maze, Dogman and the Cord were having too good of a time to worry about their hair while Duke Deere had been so busy setting up the bash he forgot all about his hair.
Sweet Sue, ever the perpetual cheerleader, made certain none of the elders fell asleep while Colorado Chris kept surveying the rapidly growing masses and longing for the isolation of his Colorado mountain retreat.
Best estimates were somewhere between 50 and 300 people found their way to the island last night and a large number were probably still there this morning. Inky, the Mother Theresa of the Point, entertained with stories of her Mother Hubbard life while President Bob kept wondering if the fish would be biting at 5 am. Seems he went out a couple of days earlier in the massive fog bank and couldn’t tell if the boat was in the Chesapeake Bay or St. Patricks Creek but they still caught some 3 foot Rock fish.
Now the couple traveling farthest to the party were none other than the host and hostess Carpenter Joe and the Rose. They were re-living their youth cruising around the Smokey Mountains in North Carolina the day before when they realized they were hosting the New Years Eve bash at the Island back in Maryland and had to cut short the fantasy and race home to where they belonged, surrounded by their Coltons Point family and friends.
The other Chris, chef de cuisine of the seafood joint and wife Dainty Deb were there to verify the veracity of the delicacies. Even the no shows were there in spirit as Stevie Van Zany and Broadway Linda called in to wish everyone a great New Year though their presence will be expected at future Pointer parties.
Sheila, new pretender to the title of President of the Point by virtue of her ascension, should one choose to look at it in Biblical terms, to Head of the Museum, or top Dead Head, held court in the grand ballroom while Professor Ray, fresh from his trip around the world, was making note of the differences between the Pointers and the Chinese and Iranians he recently met. Perhaps he is doing a secret study of third world nations.
Marie Antoinette could be seen pressuring President Bob to take her out in the boat while Polar Pam was adding to the pressure saying shouldn’t a daughter be allowed in the boat as well? Of course President Bob was masterfully non-committal. The list of party Pointers goes on and on but the space in this story is limited so we can just say it was a record turnout and a nice follow up to the Kopel Kouple Kristmas Kaper a few nights earlier.
As the characters of the Point grow closer and get to know the amazing range of people and personalities that have found their way to the Point, it is becoming clear that the protectors of the Point are the very Coltons Point Social Club members working to bring about a sense of community, togetherness, and pride in the swamp. In the future, it will be up to the CP Social Club to make the Point all it can be.
Happy New Year, peace, freedom, love and where was Father Berry last night?
It seemed most of the Coltons Point characters were out in their best dressed, best behaved mood and the mix of Pointers was nothing short of eclectic. Hillbilly Joe combed his hair for the first time in modern memory, Bren kept worrying her hair would become an unmanageable maze, Dogman and the Cord were having too good of a time to worry about their hair while Duke Deere had been so busy setting up the bash he forgot all about his hair.
Sweet Sue, ever the perpetual cheerleader, made certain none of the elders fell asleep while Colorado Chris kept surveying the rapidly growing masses and longing for the isolation of his Colorado mountain retreat.
Best estimates were somewhere between 50 and 300 people found their way to the island last night and a large number were probably still there this morning. Inky, the Mother Theresa of the Point, entertained with stories of her Mother Hubbard life while President Bob kept wondering if the fish would be biting at 5 am. Seems he went out a couple of days earlier in the massive fog bank and couldn’t tell if the boat was in the Chesapeake Bay or St. Patricks Creek but they still caught some 3 foot Rock fish.
Now the couple traveling farthest to the party were none other than the host and hostess Carpenter Joe and the Rose. They were re-living their youth cruising around the Smokey Mountains in North Carolina the day before when they realized they were hosting the New Years Eve bash at the Island back in Maryland and had to cut short the fantasy and race home to where they belonged, surrounded by their Coltons Point family and friends.
The other Chris, chef de cuisine of the seafood joint and wife Dainty Deb were there to verify the veracity of the delicacies. Even the no shows were there in spirit as Stevie Van Zany and Broadway Linda called in to wish everyone a great New Year though their presence will be expected at future Pointer parties.
Sheila, new pretender to the title of President of the Point by virtue of her ascension, should one choose to look at it in Biblical terms, to Head of the Museum, or top Dead Head, held court in the grand ballroom while Professor Ray, fresh from his trip around the world, was making note of the differences between the Pointers and the Chinese and Iranians he recently met. Perhaps he is doing a secret study of third world nations.
Marie Antoinette could be seen pressuring President Bob to take her out in the boat while Polar Pam was adding to the pressure saying shouldn’t a daughter be allowed in the boat as well? Of course President Bob was masterfully non-committal. The list of party Pointers goes on and on but the space in this story is limited so we can just say it was a record turnout and a nice follow up to the Kopel Kouple Kristmas Kaper a few nights earlier.
As the characters of the Point grow closer and get to know the amazing range of people and personalities that have found their way to the Point, it is becoming clear that the protectors of the Point are the very Coltons Point Social Club members working to bring about a sense of community, togetherness, and pride in the swamp. In the future, it will be up to the CP Social Club to make the Point all it can be.
Happy New Year, peace, freedom, love and where was Father Berry last night?
Thursday, December 21, 2006
The Songs for Soldiers Christmas Campaign
After the Kopel holiday bash and the Jarvis island outing, not to mention company parties, jam sessions in the music room, and all the other weird things one does at Christmas time, I’m exhausted and there is still four days to go.
So I thought I’d share a little project we are doing here at Ivy Hollow. For those of you that don’t know, when he’s not doing anything else Jim Putnam writes music, and he even has a band in Nashville called Nashville Bound that records some of his songs as country music.
The past 2 ½ months he has been market testing some of the songs on the Internet at a site called Soundclick.com and he met with some surprising success. So far 19 songs have been released in five different categories of music, though all have their roots in country. The songs were released in Country, Rock, Pop, Blues and R&B and in 14 different genres within those categories. Here are the positions they reached on the national internet charts.
NASHVILLE BOUND
Songs © by Jim Putnam
Margarita You're Such A Cheater
Highest chart position # 1 (26,257 songs in Rock > Rock General)
So I thought I’d share a little project we are doing here at Ivy Hollow. For those of you that don’t know, when he’s not doing anything else Jim Putnam writes music, and he even has a band in Nashville called Nashville Bound that records some of his songs as country music.
The past 2 ½ months he has been market testing some of the songs on the Internet at a site called Soundclick.com and he met with some surprising success. So far 19 songs have been released in five different categories of music, though all have their roots in country. The songs were released in Country, Rock, Pop, Blues and R&B and in 14 different genres within those categories. Here are the positions they reached on the national internet charts.
NASHVILLE BOUND
Songs © by Jim Putnam
Margarita You're Such A Cheater
Highest chart position # 1 (26,257 songs in Rock > Rock General)
Photographs
Highest charts position # 9 (12,348 songs in Pop > Pop Rock)
Goodbye Hello Old Friend
Highest charts position # 10 (3,070 songs in Country > Country-Pop)
On My Way To Be A Man
Highest charts position # 11 (33,146 songs in Urban > R&B/Soul/Pop)
I Walked Away
Highest charts position # 12 (528 songs in Country > Country Swing)
What Life's All About
Highest charts position # 12 (1,904 songs in Blues > Country Blues)
Last Night I Wondered Why
Highest charts position # 13 (9,325 songs in Rock > Rock n Roll)
No One's Left Keeping Score
Highest charts position # 16 (3,828 songs in Rock > Folk Rock)
Take Me Back Again
Highest charts position # 16 (991 songs in Country > Rockabilly)
Always Same Old Game
Highest charts position # 21 (8,052 songs in Country > Country General)
Something Was Wrong
Highest charts position # 22 (6,920 songs in Pop > Contemporary Christian)
Daddy's Gone
Highest charts position # 23 (6,237 songs in Blues > Blues Rock)
The Cowboy Walks Alone
Highest charts position # 23 (1,128 songs in Country > Country and Western)
That Someone Isn't Me
Highest charts position # 23 (7,946 songs in Blues > Blues General)
Take A Chance
Highest charts position # 25 (1,281 songs in Rock > Southern Rock)
Only Me
Highest charts position # 26 (2,115 songs in Country > Traditional Country)
Here I Stand Alone
Highest charts position # 28 (1,361 songs in Country > Bluegrass)
He Fooled Himself Again
Highest charts position # 34 (219 songs in Country > Cajun/Zydeco)
Of Thee I Sing
Highest charts position # 39 (3,208 songs in Country > Christian Country)
So what you might ask? Well the minds at Ivy Hollow decided someone must like the stuff or they would not all be in the top 40. The competition was tough as the following number of songs were fighting for the same top 40 positions against the Nashville Bound sounds.
(117,085 songs currently listed in Rock)
(25,534 songs currently listed in Country)
(18,422 songs currently listed in Blues)
(57,120 songs currently listed in Pop)
(33,146 songs in Urban > R&B/Soul/Pop)
So we decided to honor the members of the armed forces by giving away for free copies of all 19 songs to them, their families and friends, who can send the soldiers copies wherever they might be. On Christmas Day all of the songs will be available on the Internet for free downloads as the following press release states.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Nashville Bound offers free mp3 downloads of 19 top 40 hits
In Songs for Soldiers National Christmas Campaign
Nashville Bound, the powerhouse band from Nashville is now offering an exceptional Christmas gift in honor of those fighting in Iraq, the Songs for Soldiers National Christmas Campaign with free downloads on Christmas Day of all 19 Nashville Bound hits. The band has an astonishing range of music from country to pop, rock to blues, and has reached the Internet top 40 with 19 straight releases in the past two months. The free downloads will be available at the following web page.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=603354
Families and friends of those fighting in Iraq and stationed throughout the world, and fans of the band are urged to download the music and send it to soldiers for Christmas. Free downloads on Soundclick.com include the #1 hit Margarita You’re Such A Cheater, 3 songs reaching the top 10, 9 songs in the top 20, 15 songs in the top 25, 17 songs in the top 30, and all 19 songs in the top 40.
Highest charts position # 9 (12,348 songs in Pop > Pop Rock)
Goodbye Hello Old Friend
Highest charts position # 10 (3,070 songs in Country > Country-Pop)
On My Way To Be A Man
Highest charts position # 11 (33,146 songs in Urban > R&B/Soul/Pop)
I Walked Away
Highest charts position # 12 (528 songs in Country > Country Swing)
What Life's All About
Highest charts position # 12 (1,904 songs in Blues > Country Blues)
Last Night I Wondered Why
Highest charts position # 13 (9,325 songs in Rock > Rock n Roll)
No One's Left Keeping Score
Highest charts position # 16 (3,828 songs in Rock > Folk Rock)
Take Me Back Again
Highest charts position # 16 (991 songs in Country > Rockabilly)
Always Same Old Game
Highest charts position # 21 (8,052 songs in Country > Country General)
Something Was Wrong
Highest charts position # 22 (6,920 songs in Pop > Contemporary Christian)
Daddy's Gone
Highest charts position # 23 (6,237 songs in Blues > Blues Rock)
The Cowboy Walks Alone
Highest charts position # 23 (1,128 songs in Country > Country and Western)
That Someone Isn't Me
Highest charts position # 23 (7,946 songs in Blues > Blues General)
Take A Chance
Highest charts position # 25 (1,281 songs in Rock > Southern Rock)
Only Me
Highest charts position # 26 (2,115 songs in Country > Traditional Country)
Here I Stand Alone
Highest charts position # 28 (1,361 songs in Country > Bluegrass)
He Fooled Himself Again
Highest charts position # 34 (219 songs in Country > Cajun/Zydeco)
Of Thee I Sing
Highest charts position # 39 (3,208 songs in Country > Christian Country)
So what you might ask? Well the minds at Ivy Hollow decided someone must like the stuff or they would not all be in the top 40. The competition was tough as the following number of songs were fighting for the same top 40 positions against the Nashville Bound sounds.
(117,085 songs currently listed in Rock)
(25,534 songs currently listed in Country)
(18,422 songs currently listed in Blues)
(57,120 songs currently listed in Pop)
(33,146 songs in Urban > R&B/Soul/Pop)
So we decided to honor the members of the armed forces by giving away for free copies of all 19 songs to them, their families and friends, who can send the soldiers copies wherever they might be. On Christmas Day all of the songs will be available on the Internet for free downloads as the following press release states.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Nashville Bound offers free mp3 downloads of 19 top 40 hits
In Songs for Soldiers National Christmas Campaign
Nashville Bound, the powerhouse band from Nashville is now offering an exceptional Christmas gift in honor of those fighting in Iraq, the Songs for Soldiers National Christmas Campaign with free downloads on Christmas Day of all 19 Nashville Bound hits. The band has an astonishing range of music from country to pop, rock to blues, and has reached the Internet top 40 with 19 straight releases in the past two months. The free downloads will be available at the following web page.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=603354
Families and friends of those fighting in Iraq and stationed throughout the world, and fans of the band are urged to download the music and send it to soldiers for Christmas. Free downloads on Soundclick.com include the #1 hit Margarita You’re Such A Cheater, 3 songs reaching the top 10, 9 songs in the top 20, 15 songs in the top 25, 17 songs in the top 30, and all 19 songs in the top 40.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That’s what we are doing for Christmas. You can listen to the songs right now by clicking on the web site mentioned in the release or download them for free on Christmas Day. If you know any soldiers or families of soldiers you might mention they can get the songs for free and forward them. Back in the days of Viet Nam music was incredibly important to the soldiers and it still is today. Hope you all have a great holiday and watch for updates from the Coltons Point Times.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Kopel Kouple Kristmas Kaper
Last night was another of those legendary Coltons Point parties as King Bob, Ink Spot, Polar Pam, Auntie Joyce and all the rest of the Kopel family who were last seen in The Wizard of Oz, hosted the Kopel Kouple Kristmas Kaper and it was a stunning success as you can see from the scene gathered around the front porch waiting to get in.
The food, all prepared by the caring hands of the little people of Kopel family fame, equaled the best of the Baileys secret stash (the really good stuff they hold back from events). Being the Kopels have been Pointers a long time and done their best to populate the Point their extended family has developed some rather tasty recipes which were rapidly absorbed by the overflow crowd.
Early traffic jams at the bar and kitchen area were quickly overcome and the Pointer people rapidly took over the entire Kopel compound where the most unusual conversations could be overheard. If you missed out on this holiday gathering it was probably a good thing since not a single person more could have been wedged in to this body bumping bash.
Those Kopels sure do think of everything. There were doctors and vets in the crowd in case anyone got sick, Padre Berry in case they got real sick, really tall neighbors like Colorado Chris to look out over the crowds for trouble, politicians in case people had nothing better to talk about, and a constant array of trays being circulated filled with delectable delights.
Typical conversations ranged from Haughty Helen telling someone from the Gass Line that your family may have been one of the first to settle in this area, but my family was on the first boat that came from England! (Weren’t they the ones that landed on St. Clements Island, looked across the water at the Point, and immediately packed up and headed down river?) We just knew she had a Checkered past as well as present.
Speaking of the Gass line, it seemed like every other person I met was from the Gass house gang so maybe the annual event should be renamed the Kopel Kouple Kristmas Kaper and Gass Line Holiday Reunion.
If you looked close you could see Harley Tom talking to a mirror image of himself, Sweet Sue sampling sweets, Carpenter Joe and The Rose trying to figure out how to be polite and eat for the second time that night, and some people talking in hyper speed as if the proud owner of a bionic tongue, while others sat in stunned silence knowing they did not have the courage to try and get a word in edgewise.
King Bob and Inky may be the nicest couple around to put up with the cast of characters that crash their annual party. And people must like them since there were three times as many people at the party as live in the Point.
Thanks to our gracious hosts Inky, King Bob, Polar Pam and Auntie Joyce along with any other family members who were lost in the crowds for a very heavy happy holiday send off.
Friday, December 15, 2006
The Ultimate Politically Correct Holiday Greeting Except for Die Hard Atheists
( Why does Santa get all the good stuff?)For all people of the world we offer prayers and hope for world peace and wish you happy holidays for (Christian) Christmas, (African) Kwanzaa, (Hispanic) Las Posadad-Noche Buena-Navidad, (Jewish) Hanukkah-Rosh Hashanah, (Persian) Yalda, (Islamic) Eid al-Adha-Muharram, (Buddhist) Rohatsu, (Hindu) Sankranti, (Celtic) Winter Solstice and (Chinese) New Year.
Holiday Time – Ugh…
Christmas time, the number one commercial holiday in the states, is the time when people exchange tons of treats, maybe gifts, maybe even fruitcakes if they don’t really like you. We send cards and presents, attend at least ten parties to celebrate one holiday, get lit up on eggnog and whatever gets put in it, and put on a happy face for all we encounter.
Now are we really being honest with ourselves let alone everyone else? Treats are nice but they make you fat. Is that any way to treat someone you care for? As for gifts, why are they expected on Christmas? Birthdays, sure give them whatever you want, but rampant commercialization on a sacred holiday like Christmas seems an inappropriate way to honor the meaning of Christmas.
As for the fruitcakes, long ago I learned to beware of those bearing 10 pound fruitcakes. You eat one of them and your body will scream out in pain not only because of the added weight but for whatever that load is doing to your innards. My advice, re-gift all fruitcakes, in other words give them to someone else as soon as possible.
The cards are a real sentimental touch. Remember when a personalized often corny family photo was the card? Now billions are spent to send loved ones images and words created by someone else and intended for anyone. Gift spending this holiday season will reach $457 billion, over $700 for every American. Mindless gift spending, buying gift cards rather than making a gift decision, will total nearly $25 billion.
No matter what you celebrate for the holidays, I doubt it was anything even remotely linked to the blizzard of money thrown away during the holiday season. The baby Jesus sure wasn’t born in designer clothes in a condo on Long Island. Yet the price of being an average American at Christmas carries a $700+ tag. What are we thinking?
Oh well, sing, drink, eat and be merry. It’s the American way.
Now are we really being honest with ourselves let alone everyone else? Treats are nice but they make you fat. Is that any way to treat someone you care for? As for gifts, why are they expected on Christmas? Birthdays, sure give them whatever you want, but rampant commercialization on a sacred holiday like Christmas seems an inappropriate way to honor the meaning of Christmas.
As for the fruitcakes, long ago I learned to beware of those bearing 10 pound fruitcakes. You eat one of them and your body will scream out in pain not only because of the added weight but for whatever that load is doing to your innards. My advice, re-gift all fruitcakes, in other words give them to someone else as soon as possible.
The cards are a real sentimental touch. Remember when a personalized often corny family photo was the card? Now billions are spent to send loved ones images and words created by someone else and intended for anyone. Gift spending this holiday season will reach $457 billion, over $700 for every American. Mindless gift spending, buying gift cards rather than making a gift decision, will total nearly $25 billion.
No matter what you celebrate for the holidays, I doubt it was anything even remotely linked to the blizzard of money thrown away during the holiday season. The baby Jesus sure wasn’t born in designer clothes in a condo on Long Island. Yet the price of being an average American at Christmas carries a $700+ tag. What are we thinking?
Oh well, sing, drink, eat and be merry. It’s the American way.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
National News Round up 12-14-2006
Breast Cancer Breakthrough.
After all the years doctors and pharmaceutical companies pushed hormone therapy treatment for women, at least up until 2002 when the government said the hormones might be causing breast cancer, there is finally a downturn in breast cancer statistics. However, it was not because the government issued a warning or the doctors recommended women reduce their use of the hormones but because 15 million women said enough is enough and stopped taking the treatment.
In 2003 breast cancer dropped 7%. Unfortunately, the pharmaceutical companies or government don’t want you to really know what impact those 15 million women had as the year 2003 is the most recent statistics available. Three years ago, hummmm. Isn’t it stupid that the most technological advanced society in the world runs three years behind in breast cancer statistics?
So instead of 211,000 new cases of breast cancer in 2003 there were actually 186,000, which means breast cancer today could easily be down 20-25% and no one wants to admit it. How will they all make money if the cancer rate is dropping? When 15 million women take life into their own hands and away from the doctors, drug companies and hospitals, the earth shakes.
Dr. Kervorkian Released from Prison.
The famed assisted suicide doctor who claims to have helped 130 people die illegally was released from prison today. It’s reassuring to know his services are now available again. Whenever my mother used to threaten suicide to get my attention I would send her a Kervorkian Gift Certificate for one treatment. I told her it would be a better way to go.
Another New Disease Discovered.
Thank God the pharmaceuticals have been busy because we now know another disease we didn’t know existed can be effectively treated with new drugs. It is called, believe it or not, the Restless Leg Syndrome. Only drug companies could relate a restless leg with a disease and come up with a cure. Now I know why my leg used to bounce up and down in school. All this time I thought it was boredom.
What could possibly be next in the Disease Discovery and Drug Dealing business plans for the drug companies? The old 4-D magic worked again. How about the Broken Nail Syndrome, the Split Hair Syndrome, the Boil on the Butt Syndrome or the Forgetting to Put the Toilet Seat Down Syndrome? Surely drugs could be found to help out those things. If not prescribe something stronger to make us forget about them.
Weather News.
2006 is the third warmest year on record which certainly doesn’t explain the increase in oil prices this winter. Of course we only have about 50 years of records out of 4.5 billion years the earth has been around so I’m not sure the records are being interpreted properly. There have been a few Ice Ages in that history so maybe the warming really is cyclical.
Flu News.
Once again the flu is back. Once again the flu vaccine doesn’t work. But at least this time there is more than enough for any fool that might want it.
Capitol Quiz.
In an earlier article I told you a Socialist party member is the deciding vote for Democratic control in the new US Senate. With all the fuss over the brain problems of the Democrat Senator from South Dakota if something should happen to him the Republican Governor of South Dakota would probably appoint a Republican to replace the Democrat and poof, the Senate is back under Republican control. Which is worse, the Democrat majority dependent on a Socialist or the Republican majority dependent upon VP Dick Cheney? Contrary to the reports of the national news media, right now there are 49 Democrats and 49 Republicans, one Independent and one Socialist. The Independent and Socialist are supporting the Democrats.
Sports Roundup.
The Washington Redskins lost, the Baltimore Jaguars lost less, the Washington Nationals and Baltimore Orioles lost a lot more, the Washington Capitols lost the hot shot kid, and no one cares what any other team lost or won.
After all the years doctors and pharmaceutical companies pushed hormone therapy treatment for women, at least up until 2002 when the government said the hormones might be causing breast cancer, there is finally a downturn in breast cancer statistics. However, it was not because the government issued a warning or the doctors recommended women reduce their use of the hormones but because 15 million women said enough is enough and stopped taking the treatment.
In 2003 breast cancer dropped 7%. Unfortunately, the pharmaceutical companies or government don’t want you to really know what impact those 15 million women had as the year 2003 is the most recent statistics available. Three years ago, hummmm. Isn’t it stupid that the most technological advanced society in the world runs three years behind in breast cancer statistics?
So instead of 211,000 new cases of breast cancer in 2003 there were actually 186,000, which means breast cancer today could easily be down 20-25% and no one wants to admit it. How will they all make money if the cancer rate is dropping? When 15 million women take life into their own hands and away from the doctors, drug companies and hospitals, the earth shakes.
Dr. Kervorkian Released from Prison.
The famed assisted suicide doctor who claims to have helped 130 people die illegally was released from prison today. It’s reassuring to know his services are now available again. Whenever my mother used to threaten suicide to get my attention I would send her a Kervorkian Gift Certificate for one treatment. I told her it would be a better way to go.
Another New Disease Discovered.
Thank God the pharmaceuticals have been busy because we now know another disease we didn’t know existed can be effectively treated with new drugs. It is called, believe it or not, the Restless Leg Syndrome. Only drug companies could relate a restless leg with a disease and come up with a cure. Now I know why my leg used to bounce up and down in school. All this time I thought it was boredom.
What could possibly be next in the Disease Discovery and Drug Dealing business plans for the drug companies? The old 4-D magic worked again. How about the Broken Nail Syndrome, the Split Hair Syndrome, the Boil on the Butt Syndrome or the Forgetting to Put the Toilet Seat Down Syndrome? Surely drugs could be found to help out those things. If not prescribe something stronger to make us forget about them.
Weather News.
2006 is the third warmest year on record which certainly doesn’t explain the increase in oil prices this winter. Of course we only have about 50 years of records out of 4.5 billion years the earth has been around so I’m not sure the records are being interpreted properly. There have been a few Ice Ages in that history so maybe the warming really is cyclical.
Flu News.
Once again the flu is back. Once again the flu vaccine doesn’t work. But at least this time there is more than enough for any fool that might want it.
Capitol Quiz.
In an earlier article I told you a Socialist party member is the deciding vote for Democratic control in the new US Senate. With all the fuss over the brain problems of the Democrat Senator from South Dakota if something should happen to him the Republican Governor of South Dakota would probably appoint a Republican to replace the Democrat and poof, the Senate is back under Republican control. Which is worse, the Democrat majority dependent on a Socialist or the Republican majority dependent upon VP Dick Cheney? Contrary to the reports of the national news media, right now there are 49 Democrats and 49 Republicans, one Independent and one Socialist. The Independent and Socialist are supporting the Democrats.
Sports Roundup.
The Washington Redskins lost, the Baltimore Jaguars lost less, the Washington Nationals and Baltimore Orioles lost a lot more, the Washington Capitols lost the hot shot kid, and no one cares what any other team lost or won.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I wonder why?
Why is the news media so silent about the $33 million already paid in fines by the record companies in the USA for bribing radio stations and disc jockeys to play their favorite artists? Now there are hundreds of radio stations under investigation by the FCC and still no press. Is corruption so accepted that it is not even noticed?
Why did oil prices go up when we have the warmest winter on record, there were no hurricanes to destroy oil facilities, oil inventories are at high levels, and the American consumer has changed their driving habits by stopping the purchase of gas guzzling vehicles?
What happened to the promise of politicians to pull our troops out of Iraq if elected? Do they really think we will forget the promises just because committees and specialists are being consulted about a new war policy? Will the consulting amount to anything new?
How can the Bush Administration continue to refuse to talk to Iran and North Korea about issues of world significance just because they are the bad guys? Presidents Nixon and Reagan had no problem with direct talks with Red China and the Soviet Union when they were our enemies.
Why is Congress only in session four days during the month of December if we are facing so many critical issues like budget approval, immigration reform, Iraq policy, oil price gouging, corruption and a host of other matters?
Why does our government continue to insist other countries of the world must adopt a system of democracy like ours in order to get our help when only 25% of the eligible voters elected the new Congress in America? A government backed by 25% of the people means 75% don’t agree or don’t care and is that the kind of government we want for everyone else?
America faces an immigration crisis not from the flood of people who want to come to America and work but from the inertia in Congress at being able to address the issue. About 98% of all Americans are direct descendents of immigrants. The percentage of immigrants in America is less today than it was the first half of the 20th century. There is no indication immigrants are taking jobs from Americans. So why can’t we welcome the immigrants who are tax paying and productive members of the work force rather than stigmatizing them with an “illegal alien” designation?
Today, Tuesday, the government announced it raided Swift Meat Packing plants across the country and captured 1200 illegal immigrants, some with forged papers resulting from identity theft of Social Security numbers and real names to match. It means the company was duped, the government was duped, privacy laws passed by Congress prevent the SS Administration from notifying the real card holders that their Social Security numbers were stolen and the illegal immigrants were duped by the bad guys who stole the numbers and sold them to the illegals.
What they didn’t tell us was how 1200 illegal people found jobs that no one else seemed to want and they worked for an hourly wage that paid less than welfare, yet they still paid taxes and paid into the Workmen’s Comp and Social Security funds but would never benefit from their payments. The 1200 people being questioned were out of 15,000 employees of Swift & Company and 500,000 employees nationwide in the meat processing industry.
Oh yes, the raids also temporarily halted production in 15% of the meat processing plants in America which could result in shortages of meat and poultry inventory in grocery stores, price increases, hundreds of thousands of dollars in increased government costs to process the cases and deport the families if warranted, and the replacement of 8% of the meat packing workforce at Swift before full production is achieved. Does that really make sense?
Why are some people trying to adopt English as the only language allowed in America when even some of the English speaking Americans are impossible to understand? If we mandate English we should mandate that all current Americans speak English properly and read at minimum achievement levels. Neither is true today. When I was in Russia I was astounded to learn over 250 languages and dialects are spoken in the Russian federation. It doesn’t seem to keep them from functioning. And we can’t even handle two languages.
Why do the television networks continue to run so much garbage on TV and call it quality programming? Better yet, who are those millions of idiots watching the junk that show up in Nielsen polls? Remember my article about how many commercials are on TV? Well now I will tell you how much time you are wasting watching those commercials.
According to Nielsen the average American watches more than 4 hours of TV per day, 28 hours per week, 2 months nonstop per year and 9 years per lifetime. The average American youth spends 900 hours a year in school and 1500 hours per year watching television, and that does not even count the internet use. Who is teaching our children?
Why did oil prices go up when we have the warmest winter on record, there were no hurricanes to destroy oil facilities, oil inventories are at high levels, and the American consumer has changed their driving habits by stopping the purchase of gas guzzling vehicles?
What happened to the promise of politicians to pull our troops out of Iraq if elected? Do they really think we will forget the promises just because committees and specialists are being consulted about a new war policy? Will the consulting amount to anything new?
How can the Bush Administration continue to refuse to talk to Iran and North Korea about issues of world significance just because they are the bad guys? Presidents Nixon and Reagan had no problem with direct talks with Red China and the Soviet Union when they were our enemies.
Why is Congress only in session four days during the month of December if we are facing so many critical issues like budget approval, immigration reform, Iraq policy, oil price gouging, corruption and a host of other matters?
Why does our government continue to insist other countries of the world must adopt a system of democracy like ours in order to get our help when only 25% of the eligible voters elected the new Congress in America? A government backed by 25% of the people means 75% don’t agree or don’t care and is that the kind of government we want for everyone else?
America faces an immigration crisis not from the flood of people who want to come to America and work but from the inertia in Congress at being able to address the issue. About 98% of all Americans are direct descendents of immigrants. The percentage of immigrants in America is less today than it was the first half of the 20th century. There is no indication immigrants are taking jobs from Americans. So why can’t we welcome the immigrants who are tax paying and productive members of the work force rather than stigmatizing them with an “illegal alien” designation?
Today, Tuesday, the government announced it raided Swift Meat Packing plants across the country and captured 1200 illegal immigrants, some with forged papers resulting from identity theft of Social Security numbers and real names to match. It means the company was duped, the government was duped, privacy laws passed by Congress prevent the SS Administration from notifying the real card holders that their Social Security numbers were stolen and the illegal immigrants were duped by the bad guys who stole the numbers and sold them to the illegals.
What they didn’t tell us was how 1200 illegal people found jobs that no one else seemed to want and they worked for an hourly wage that paid less than welfare, yet they still paid taxes and paid into the Workmen’s Comp and Social Security funds but would never benefit from their payments. The 1200 people being questioned were out of 15,000 employees of Swift & Company and 500,000 employees nationwide in the meat processing industry.
Oh yes, the raids also temporarily halted production in 15% of the meat processing plants in America which could result in shortages of meat and poultry inventory in grocery stores, price increases, hundreds of thousands of dollars in increased government costs to process the cases and deport the families if warranted, and the replacement of 8% of the meat packing workforce at Swift before full production is achieved. Does that really make sense?
Why are some people trying to adopt English as the only language allowed in America when even some of the English speaking Americans are impossible to understand? If we mandate English we should mandate that all current Americans speak English properly and read at minimum achievement levels. Neither is true today. When I was in Russia I was astounded to learn over 250 languages and dialects are spoken in the Russian federation. It doesn’t seem to keep them from functioning. And we can’t even handle two languages.
Why do the television networks continue to run so much garbage on TV and call it quality programming? Better yet, who are those millions of idiots watching the junk that show up in Nielsen polls? Remember my article about how many commercials are on TV? Well now I will tell you how much time you are wasting watching those commercials.
According to Nielsen the average American watches more than 4 hours of TV per day, 28 hours per week, 2 months nonstop per year and 9 years per lifetime. The average American youth spends 900 hours a year in school and 1500 hours per year watching television, and that does not even count the internet use. Who is teaching our children?
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Coltons Point Lighthouse
We've poked a little fun in the CP Times at the Million Dollar Lighthouse at Bailey's but this picture shows the real deal as 15 year resident Marie Guidry walks the foundation of the original Lighthouse at St. Clement's Island that is being rebuilt. More later on that exceptional project but it's rather obvious it is in need of substantial repairs.
Catholics Finally Arrive
About 372 years ago the Catholics first landed at St. Clement's Island and refused to come to the Point. Now almost 400 years later, they have finally arrived as the flock of Flying Nuns can be seen above floating past the Museum.
The Guardians of Coltons Point
Holly, the Queen of Coltons Point, was abandoned over 5 years ago and has been raised by the Pointers ever since. While she floats from house to house she has a warm greeting for all the residents and a sharp bark for all strangers. If you hear this Golden Retreiver at night it will be to drive away any intruders, aliens, skunks, foxes or politicians.
Like any veteran of the Point, and she has lived here all her life, she is a waterman prepared to jump in at a moments notice to save someone, cool down, fish or enjoy a nice swim.
Coolin, formally known as CuChulainn Deo Irie, (the Warrior Dog of Ireland), is a classic Irish Wolfhound measuring 41 inches at the shoulders and 7 foot 3 inches from nose to tail. Known as the Gentle Giant, intruders of any size and shape better beware. Every day Coolin makes the rounds of the Point checking for strange scents and visiting our senior citizens to make sure they are alright.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Professor Ray Lands in Iran
No he is not the Absent Minded Professor who got lost on his way to class at the University of Maryland. Maybe President Bush and his Administration can’t talk to Iran but Professor Ray, our Premiere Point Professor sure can as he is now in his second of four days of speaking in Tehran, which is the mangled star on the map close to the Caspian Sea. He is the designated Ambassador from Coltons Point to Iran.
Of course we may not know how it went until he gets safely to Beijing, China. Beijing is the big black cross on the map of China. What was that you might ask? How could he be safe in Red China? Well the Professor loves Chinese cooking, speaks a little Chinese, and is busy setting up a school of journalism over there so those Communists can figure out what is wrong with the American media. He’s our Ambassador to China as well.
Stay tuned for more reports on the Big Adventure of Professor Ray if he can find internet access in Iran and China or his wife Sheila perfects the telepathic communication technique in time.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Coltons Teenage Love Birds Reach 25th Plateau
Believe it or not the percentage of high school lovers who marry and get divorced is well over 50% but we have a couple who have beaten the odds in more ways than one. Colorado Chris and Sweet Sue, high school sweethearts in Arizona have just reached their 25th year of marriage, a significant achievement you should not underestimate.
Did you know only 1/3 of married couples reach their 25th anniversary, and only 20% reach their 35th anniversary? I’d make a big deal out of the 50th anniversary which is reached by only 5% of married couples but the primary cause of not reaching it is far more permanent than divorce like the others.
Colorado Chris, a native Pointer, can trace his local roots back to about the beginning of settling the area. Sweet Sue on the other hand, being from Arizona and all, seemed to appear without a trace out there in the desert just in time to capture the heart of our Maryland transplant in high school.
They married, moved to Texas, started their own empire, moved back to Maryland with the business to employ all the relatives, got a place in Colorado to go hide, and lo and behold Chris is now back in the Point where he began.
It was a nice anniversary according to reports leaked to the media except for the little incident with the earrings Colorado so painstakingly picked out. Seems the pierced earrings came with their own security system to prevent being ripped from the ears or something by thieves. There was a locking device on the thing that pokes through the ear.
Try as they might they could not figure out how to get them to release so until Sweet Sue gets to the jeweler to have her earrings unlocked don’t be surprised if on a sunny day you see the reflection of a spectrum of brilliant colors bouncing along Beach Road as she walks her dog Kahlua.
Have a great 25th anniversary year and may you reach the 5% club.
Did you know only 1/3 of married couples reach their 25th anniversary, and only 20% reach their 35th anniversary? I’d make a big deal out of the 50th anniversary which is reached by only 5% of married couples but the primary cause of not reaching it is far more permanent than divorce like the others.
Colorado Chris, a native Pointer, can trace his local roots back to about the beginning of settling the area. Sweet Sue on the other hand, being from Arizona and all, seemed to appear without a trace out there in the desert just in time to capture the heart of our Maryland transplant in high school.
They married, moved to Texas, started their own empire, moved back to Maryland with the business to employ all the relatives, got a place in Colorado to go hide, and lo and behold Chris is now back in the Point where he began.
It was a nice anniversary according to reports leaked to the media except for the little incident with the earrings Colorado so painstakingly picked out. Seems the pierced earrings came with their own security system to prevent being ripped from the ears or something by thieves. There was a locking device on the thing that pokes through the ear.
Try as they might they could not figure out how to get them to release so until Sweet Sue gets to the jeweler to have her earrings unlocked don’t be surprised if on a sunny day you see the reflection of a spectrum of brilliant colors bouncing along Beach Road as she walks her dog Kahlua.
Have a great 25th anniversary year and may you reach the 5% club.
Coltons Critic's Corner
People swarming to get to art showWent to the Art Show for Sassy Sharon and the Wolf Woman and I’m beginning to develop an appreciation for the finer aspects of fine art. The lines waiting to get in to the Left Bank studio were so long I had to wait until later to see the stuff but it was the best time to arrive as the guests and artists had been busy sipping a few bottles of wine to their success.
Now you may question my qualifications as an art critic in as much as I was the guy in 5th grade who took 8 bars of soap and carved them into nothing before I figured out I was not intended to be an artist. I only passed the soap carving test because I took the 9th bar, shaved off the corners, and called it a bear in hibernation.
But I’ve learned a lot since then. Like most artists are oddballs and the Coltons Point artists colony is no exception. Sassy gave me a hyper speed education in art appreciation as a means of explaining her penchant for abstract expressionism. I told her it reminded me of the graffiti I used to see in the NYC subways.
When I asked what she was saying in her paintings she nearly tore my head off saying something like abstract art is whatever you want it to be and if you don’t see anything in it you must be stupid, brainless, or a Republican. I asked why she didn’t say I was insane and she said "they" would understand the paintings.
So I looked up abstract expressionism in Webster's and it said, “a post-World War II m0vement in painting characterized by emphasis on the artist’s spontaneous and self-expressive application of paint in creating a nonrepresentational composition.” What? An artist’s nonrepresentational composition? Isn’t that the same abstract expressionism technique the politicians use in Washington, D.C.?
I wonder if abstract expressionism is an artistic style or a mental disease? Either way it makes for some interesting things on the wall. Now Sassy is a quite gifted sculpture and in these works the abstract part is subdued for the most part. I did see a little of it in the Lincoln bust as part of his head seemed to be missing. Until I understood abstract work I would have thought the statute had been dropped before it was fired in the oven or the fuse blew halfway through the drying process kind of like bread that is taken out of the oven before it finishes rising.
Wolf Woman was also on exhibit and her stuff I could understand a little better except for the prices which were the steal of the century for an art show. I tried to interview her but she just seemed to laugh at all my questions and then I met her husband, Wolf Man, and I understood. Even the little Wolfette was there to support her mum, though she was anxiously awaiting the chance to go out with her friends.
While the charter plane from the UK that I was expecting didn’t make it as the weather was a bit nasty two old friends from the Point, Rosemary and Diane, from my Bald Eagle swimming days, did make it. They hopped into their cute little RV and made an 8 hour trip down from their witness relocation site up north near the Canadian border. They certainly traveled the farthest to support their friends in the Point. Once a Pointer always a Pointer.
Many of the Pointers did show up when they heard there were free drinks and snacks and a good time was had by all. For those who didn’t show up and had no excuse, well, you missed a chance to meet your neighbors, share a few laughs, and check out some mighty fine pieces of clay and genuine abstract graffiti.
Now you may question my qualifications as an art critic in as much as I was the guy in 5th grade who took 8 bars of soap and carved them into nothing before I figured out I was not intended to be an artist. I only passed the soap carving test because I took the 9th bar, shaved off the corners, and called it a bear in hibernation.
But I’ve learned a lot since then. Like most artists are oddballs and the Coltons Point artists colony is no exception. Sassy gave me a hyper speed education in art appreciation as a means of explaining her penchant for abstract expressionism. I told her it reminded me of the graffiti I used to see in the NYC subways.
When I asked what she was saying in her paintings she nearly tore my head off saying something like abstract art is whatever you want it to be and if you don’t see anything in it you must be stupid, brainless, or a Republican. I asked why she didn’t say I was insane and she said "they" would understand the paintings.
So I looked up abstract expressionism in Webster's and it said, “a post-World War II m0vement in painting characterized by emphasis on the artist’s spontaneous and self-expressive application of paint in creating a nonrepresentational composition.” What? An artist’s nonrepresentational composition? Isn’t that the same abstract expressionism technique the politicians use in Washington, D.C.?
I wonder if abstract expressionism is an artistic style or a mental disease? Either way it makes for some interesting things on the wall. Now Sassy is a quite gifted sculpture and in these works the abstract part is subdued for the most part. I did see a little of it in the Lincoln bust as part of his head seemed to be missing. Until I understood abstract work I would have thought the statute had been dropped before it was fired in the oven or the fuse blew halfway through the drying process kind of like bread that is taken out of the oven before it finishes rising.
Wolf Woman was also on exhibit and her stuff I could understand a little better except for the prices which were the steal of the century for an art show. I tried to interview her but she just seemed to laugh at all my questions and then I met her husband, Wolf Man, and I understood. Even the little Wolfette was there to support her mum, though she was anxiously awaiting the chance to go out with her friends.
While the charter plane from the UK that I was expecting didn’t make it as the weather was a bit nasty two old friends from the Point, Rosemary and Diane, from my Bald Eagle swimming days, did make it. They hopped into their cute little RV and made an 8 hour trip down from their witness relocation site up north near the Canadian border. They certainly traveled the farthest to support their friends in the Point. Once a Pointer always a Pointer.
Many of the Pointers did show up when they heard there were free drinks and snacks and a good time was had by all. For those who didn’t show up and had no excuse, well, you missed a chance to meet your neighbors, share a few laughs, and check out some mighty fine pieces of clay and genuine abstract graffiti.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Do You Trust the Weatherman?
This has been a banner year for the weatherman, both locally and nationally, as they have finally demonstrated beyond doubt that weather reports are pure hogwash. Even the dumbest amongst us could match the success of the weather reports with a bottle of White Lightning and a dart board.
Ever since the television networks decided to make weathermen or women celebrities the quality of the reports has gone downhill, you might say they washed away with the latest unpredicted rain storm. About all we can really expect from the weatherman is they might know what is going on outside their studio at the time of their report if they take time to look out the window.
American productivity has decreased because of their constant warnings of another hurricane, or tropical storm, floods, high winds, lightning storms or whatever. Once they realized if they sensationalize the weather with dire predictions and warnings they could get more air time with the constant updates. But now these characters have cried wolf so many times their credibility is shot.
Tens of millions of dollars have been spent on satellites, weather stations and computer modeling and the result is a much faster and more graphic way of making mistakes. People are glued to the latest storm warnings when they should be out working or getting the eggs from the chicken pen.
Grocery stores and oil companies should name weathermen heroes since sales spike as a result of the multitude of mistaken warnings. Wrong weather reports mean more to grocery and gasoline sales than the needs of the family blowing the money while waiting in lines.
Lost productivity, line rage, price gouging, increased tension, cancelled outings, closed schools are all the direct result of the miscues from the weatherman. Why doesn’t a weatherman ever say they simply don’t know what is going to happen, or is the truth that hard to bear?
The last reliable weather reports came from George Carlin when he did the “Hippy Dippy Weatherman” routine stoned, because his reports, though they were the same every night in every venue he appeared, were always right. There will be light followed by dark. It may or may not rain.
I say put the satellite picture on the screen and silence the weathermen. Let us decide what the pictures mean since the experts have no idea. When they tell us we are going to have the worst hurricane season ever, land prices drop along the water, gas prices go up for fear of refinery damage, and people live on edge. Weathermen are a major disruptive force in America. Since there were no hurricanes to hit the USA this year it means they were not wrong once but over and over since about eight major storms were supposed to hit.
Make them personally liable for the billions of dollars they cost us in erroneous forecasts. Throw them off the air. Better yet, use them for a lightning rod in a thunderstorm and let them see how it feels messing with the public. But for Pete’s sake do not take them serious. The so called meteorologists with their weather bugs and space age technology should use their heads, not their machines and models, and if they do they will get out of the weather business.
Ever since the television networks decided to make weathermen or women celebrities the quality of the reports has gone downhill, you might say they washed away with the latest unpredicted rain storm. About all we can really expect from the weatherman is they might know what is going on outside their studio at the time of their report if they take time to look out the window.
American productivity has decreased because of their constant warnings of another hurricane, or tropical storm, floods, high winds, lightning storms or whatever. Once they realized if they sensationalize the weather with dire predictions and warnings they could get more air time with the constant updates. But now these characters have cried wolf so many times their credibility is shot.
Tens of millions of dollars have been spent on satellites, weather stations and computer modeling and the result is a much faster and more graphic way of making mistakes. People are glued to the latest storm warnings when they should be out working or getting the eggs from the chicken pen.
Grocery stores and oil companies should name weathermen heroes since sales spike as a result of the multitude of mistaken warnings. Wrong weather reports mean more to grocery and gasoline sales than the needs of the family blowing the money while waiting in lines.
Lost productivity, line rage, price gouging, increased tension, cancelled outings, closed schools are all the direct result of the miscues from the weatherman. Why doesn’t a weatherman ever say they simply don’t know what is going to happen, or is the truth that hard to bear?
The last reliable weather reports came from George Carlin when he did the “Hippy Dippy Weatherman” routine stoned, because his reports, though they were the same every night in every venue he appeared, were always right. There will be light followed by dark. It may or may not rain.
I say put the satellite picture on the screen and silence the weathermen. Let us decide what the pictures mean since the experts have no idea. When they tell us we are going to have the worst hurricane season ever, land prices drop along the water, gas prices go up for fear of refinery damage, and people live on edge. Weathermen are a major disruptive force in America. Since there were no hurricanes to hit the USA this year it means they were not wrong once but over and over since about eight major storms were supposed to hit.
Make them personally liable for the billions of dollars they cost us in erroneous forecasts. Throw them off the air. Better yet, use them for a lightning rod in a thunderstorm and let them see how it feels messing with the public. But for Pete’s sake do not take them serious. The so called meteorologists with their weather bugs and space age technology should use their heads, not their machines and models, and if they do they will get out of the weather business.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Speaker Nixes Intelligence Choices
Nancy Pelosi, new House Speaker and our favorite Maryland woman representing California in Congress has jumped into another controversy with her appointment of a Chairman for the House Intelligence Committee.
This is the most sensitive appointment in Congress with access to all our nation’s top secrets. Normally it is based on seniority in Congress but prior to 911 the Democrats seem to have lost sight of that.
Rep Jane Harmon, California, the senior Democrat on the Committee and normally next in line for Chairperson, was promised the top Intelligence post by the Democrats when she ran for Congress after losing the California Governors race. Nancy does not like her.
Second ranking Rep Alcee Hastings, a Florida Black backed by the Black Caucus was impeached by the House in 1988 resulting from FBI bribery sting. So he was thrown out of office as a judge and won a seat to Congress. Nancy doesn’t like him either.
So her top two Democratic choices for the nation’s most sensitive Committee Chairmanship were a loser in the governor’s race and an impeached judge. What in the world is congress thinking or at least the Democratic leadership? Can’t say as if I blame Nancy. At least this time she’s not backing someone who was involved in a scandal.
This is the most sensitive appointment in Congress with access to all our nation’s top secrets. Normally it is based on seniority in Congress but prior to 911 the Democrats seem to have lost sight of that.
Rep Jane Harmon, California, the senior Democrat on the Committee and normally next in line for Chairperson, was promised the top Intelligence post by the Democrats when she ran for Congress after losing the California Governors race. Nancy does not like her.
Second ranking Rep Alcee Hastings, a Florida Black backed by the Black Caucus was impeached by the House in 1988 resulting from FBI bribery sting. So he was thrown out of office as a judge and won a seat to Congress. Nancy doesn’t like him either.
So her top two Democratic choices for the nation’s most sensitive Committee Chairmanship were a loser in the governor’s race and an impeached judge. What in the world is congress thinking or at least the Democratic leadership? Can’t say as if I blame Nancy. At least this time she’s not backing someone who was involved in a scandal.
Fisticuffs Come To Nation’s Capitol
It’s good to know that the metro area will be represented in the US Senate by a thug who is bound to get things done the old fashioned way. Seems newly elected Virginia Democrat Jim Webb ran into President Bush at a State Dinner and was asked by the President how his son was doing in Iraq.
Webb apparently doesn’t realize the campaign is over and responded he wants to see his son brought home and the President replied I didn’t ask you that, I asked how your son was doing.
Webb was so angered to be rebuked for not answering according to one of his aides he had to resist slugging the President at the State Dinner hosted by the President. Now the fact the Webb aide had to make a big deal out of Webb almost slugging the Commander in Chief says very little for the character or temper of the newly elected thug from Virginia.
Webb apparently doesn’t realize the campaign is over and responded he wants to see his son brought home and the President replied I didn’t ask you that, I asked how your son was doing.
Webb was so angered to be rebuked for not answering according to one of his aides he had to resist slugging the President at the State Dinner hosted by the President. Now the fact the Webb aide had to make a big deal out of Webb almost slugging the Commander in Chief says very little for the character or temper of the newly elected thug from Virginia.
St.Clement's Island Museum
Museums are generally filled with the dead and for the living, but that doesn’t make the head of the museum a Deadhead. No, they are a hard working type dedicated to preserving our past so the future folks will know from whence we came.
The St. Clements Island museum, honoring the first landing of settlers in Maryland way back in 1634, has the daunting task of working to preserve history in an area with Washington, D.C., Baltimore, Annapolis and other wealthy and populated locales all with their own history to tout. Yet we are the oldest of all of them in terms of historical significance and the only one smart enough to locate in Coltons Point.
Sheila Gibbons Hiebert is President of the Museum and we hope she will contribute articles to the Coltons Point Times about the museum and our history if she ever gets time to catch her breath. In the meantime you can all help us get noticed by contributing to the museum Annual Appeal drive. Drop off all the money you can muster for a worthy cause.
I want to suggest the museum sponsor a Great River Raft Race Regatta as a fund raiser and the on shore celebration would draw participants, fans, tourists, and media to the museum, making the Bailey’s very happy. It might also mean there would be no bombing of the fish by the Navy for a day. Think about it.
The St. Clements Island museum, honoring the first landing of settlers in Maryland way back in 1634, has the daunting task of working to preserve history in an area with Washington, D.C., Baltimore, Annapolis and other wealthy and populated locales all with their own history to tout. Yet we are the oldest of all of them in terms of historical significance and the only one smart enough to locate in Coltons Point.
Sheila Gibbons Hiebert is President of the Museum and we hope she will contribute articles to the Coltons Point Times about the museum and our history if she ever gets time to catch her breath. In the meantime you can all help us get noticed by contributing to the museum Annual Appeal drive. Drop off all the money you can muster for a worthy cause.
I want to suggest the museum sponsor a Great River Raft Race Regatta as a fund raiser and the on shore celebration would draw participants, fans, tourists, and media to the museum, making the Bailey’s very happy. It might also mean there would be no bombing of the fish by the Navy for a day. Think about it.
Campaign Reform – Real or a Steal
Campaign reform Washington, D.C. style is a joke. There is no difference between either party when it comes to reforming a system designed to protect the strong and reward the rich. Both have given token support to reform while working in earnest to defeat it. Yet it could be the most important initiative Congress and the president could finally address.
I believe it must start long before the elections. Under our constitution everyone is equal, or at least assured equal opportunity. Why are they not equal in politics? More than half of the Americans of voting age are not even registered to vote. Yet voting should not be a bureaucratic privilege, a reward for those willing to go through the nonsense to prove they are able to vote by registering. Why not give everyone the right to vote when they turn 18 years old period?
This could work if we also corrected a few flaws in the voting system. For instance many people don’t register for two reasons. First they are not drawn to the two political parties yet they are penalized for being an independent in many states. Second they resent that voter registration lists are used for jury duty pools, and are sold to the political parties and subject to aggressive political direct marketing throughout the year.
As for the first concern, let everyone be an independent on the rolls, and let them declare for a party ballot when they go in to vote in the primary, whichever party they choose to support. In this way candidates would not be inclined to give a different pitch in the primary than in the general election just to appease the party activists.
If everyone were a legal voter the jury pool would be vastly expanded reducing the times one might get called. This would address part of the second concern. If the finance reforms I propose later are adopted it would not matter if the parties had the voter lists for much of the frenzy of direct solicitation now is for money to pay for advertising. Of course some meaningful legal reforms might eliminate much of the unnecessary litigation that already clogs up our system and forces a need for all those jurors.
Voting is a right and a responsibility. Our democratic system claims to be the world model for democratic government of the people and by the people, yet half the people do not even participate. Isn’t it about time we finally give that right to all the citizens?
Political commercials should be banned period. They are the most costly element of campaigns, the largest waste of money. They are intrusive and often stretch the truth. It is impossible to tell whether candidates, political parties or special interest groups aligned with either candidate are behind this extravaganza.
The government owns the airways so the government can ban political ads from television and radio. As a condition for licensing and renewals of the TV and radio stations, require them to set aside a very limited amount of time for messages from the candidates. Any other coverage must come from news coverage, not paid advertising, and that means the candidates better say something meaningful to get coverage.
Campaign budgets for paid advertising dwarf all other costs, and the cost of raising money to pay for ads is often the second most expensive cost. Eliminate all paid political ads and you save over two-thirds of the costs of most campaigns. Hundreds of millions of dollars could be saved in an election cycle. There is the added benefit of clearing the TV screen of the political blitz. No one believes them anyway, so why allow them?
Voter participation is yet another valid and neglected concern. Only half the people are registered to vote, but often times only about half of those registered even bother to vote. Thus, American democracy may well be based on the consensus of less than one fourth of all eligible voters, hardly a viable democracy model for the world.
How do we get them to vote? First, we make primary election day a paid statewide holiday in each state the day of the vote. No one would have an excuse for not being able to vote. The general election day in November would be a national holiday, an American holiday to celebrate our freedom and democracy, as in the Constitution and Bill of Rights, something we oddly don’t celebrate already. We celebrate wars, birthdays, holidays and revolutionaries declaring independence, but don’t honor the very foundation of our democracy left us by our founding fathers in these timeless documents.
We can straighten out the mess, we can clean up the airways and we can have participatory democracy if we have courage to demand accountability from our leaders and throw them out when they fail to deliver. That is what democracy is supposed to be all about. Ask your Senators and Congressmen to support these changes and see how they respond. Write, call, email and challenge them to deliver. Remember your rights and remember your responsibilities.
I believe it must start long before the elections. Under our constitution everyone is equal, or at least assured equal opportunity. Why are they not equal in politics? More than half of the Americans of voting age are not even registered to vote. Yet voting should not be a bureaucratic privilege, a reward for those willing to go through the nonsense to prove they are able to vote by registering. Why not give everyone the right to vote when they turn 18 years old period?
This could work if we also corrected a few flaws in the voting system. For instance many people don’t register for two reasons. First they are not drawn to the two political parties yet they are penalized for being an independent in many states. Second they resent that voter registration lists are used for jury duty pools, and are sold to the political parties and subject to aggressive political direct marketing throughout the year.
As for the first concern, let everyone be an independent on the rolls, and let them declare for a party ballot when they go in to vote in the primary, whichever party they choose to support. In this way candidates would not be inclined to give a different pitch in the primary than in the general election just to appease the party activists.
If everyone were a legal voter the jury pool would be vastly expanded reducing the times one might get called. This would address part of the second concern. If the finance reforms I propose later are adopted it would not matter if the parties had the voter lists for much of the frenzy of direct solicitation now is for money to pay for advertising. Of course some meaningful legal reforms might eliminate much of the unnecessary litigation that already clogs up our system and forces a need for all those jurors.
Voting is a right and a responsibility. Our democratic system claims to be the world model for democratic government of the people and by the people, yet half the people do not even participate. Isn’t it about time we finally give that right to all the citizens?
Political commercials should be banned period. They are the most costly element of campaigns, the largest waste of money. They are intrusive and often stretch the truth. It is impossible to tell whether candidates, political parties or special interest groups aligned with either candidate are behind this extravaganza.
The government owns the airways so the government can ban political ads from television and radio. As a condition for licensing and renewals of the TV and radio stations, require them to set aside a very limited amount of time for messages from the candidates. Any other coverage must come from news coverage, not paid advertising, and that means the candidates better say something meaningful to get coverage.
Campaign budgets for paid advertising dwarf all other costs, and the cost of raising money to pay for ads is often the second most expensive cost. Eliminate all paid political ads and you save over two-thirds of the costs of most campaigns. Hundreds of millions of dollars could be saved in an election cycle. There is the added benefit of clearing the TV screen of the political blitz. No one believes them anyway, so why allow them?
Voter participation is yet another valid and neglected concern. Only half the people are registered to vote, but often times only about half of those registered even bother to vote. Thus, American democracy may well be based on the consensus of less than one fourth of all eligible voters, hardly a viable democracy model for the world.
How do we get them to vote? First, we make primary election day a paid statewide holiday in each state the day of the vote. No one would have an excuse for not being able to vote. The general election day in November would be a national holiday, an American holiday to celebrate our freedom and democracy, as in the Constitution and Bill of Rights, something we oddly don’t celebrate already. We celebrate wars, birthdays, holidays and revolutionaries declaring independence, but don’t honor the very foundation of our democracy left us by our founding fathers in these timeless documents.
We can straighten out the mess, we can clean up the airways and we can have participatory democracy if we have courage to demand accountability from our leaders and throw them out when they fail to deliver. That is what democracy is supposed to be all about. Ask your Senators and Congressmen to support these changes and see how they respond. Write, call, email and challenge them to deliver. Remember your rights and remember your responsibilities.
By Jim Putnam
About the author:
He has been active in 32 campaigns encompassing local, state, governors, congress, senate and presidential races. He worked for the executive and legislative branches at the state and federal level and even drafted opinions for Supreme Court justices in the judiciary.
Serving in such capacities as chief of staff, communications director, and assistant state treasurer he has experienced government at all levels (mayors, governors & presidents) and all branches. Yet he also played many roles in campaigns including managing US senate and house races and media in presidential campaigns.
Having worked for prominent Republicans, Democrats and Independents he also served as the Deputy Arrangements Chairman for the 1972 Republican National Convention in the most dominant presidential victory in our nation’s history.
Monday, November 27, 2006
News from Around the World
Normally there is little news to report and that is probably a good thing as most of it is far too serious to review in detail but conditions in the world are such that we need to touch on them to warn you if nothing else.
Black Friday & Cyber Monday
If you followed the news you would think Americans blew their budgets on these two high volume holiday sales days. Black Friday saw about $15 billion spent at retail and online while Cyber Monday recorded $600-625 million in all probability. Expect online sales to peak about December 12 at about $685-700 million and the total holiday spending online to be about $27 billion. All holiday spending this year is expected to be about $457 billion.
For comparison purposes, in four years the US government has spent a total of about $350 billion for the war in Iraq. In other words, if everyone would give up their holiday spending for one year and give it to the Defense Department, we could finance the Iraq war tax free for the next five years. All we are asking is you give up your holiday gifts for one year to help balance the federal budget.
The Middle East Revisited
In earlier stories I mentioned the biggest loser of the elections may be Israel if the Democrats didn’t lie and actually pull our troops out of Iraq regardless of the consequences. Three civil wars are ready to explode in Iraq, Lebanon and Palestine and it may not matter what the USA does in Iraq.
If the Democrats do bring home the troops, for sure the bloodshed will intensify and in the end the fundamental Muslims will probably win since death and human sacrifice is acceptable to them. Hard line Muslims in Iran, Syria, Pakistan, Afghanistan and other Middle East nations will be aligned with the civil wars and will embrace the winners and then all of them will most likely turn their attention to the underlying cause affecting everything they do in the Middle East, the destruction of Israel.
Oh yes, the Democrats may very well pull us out of Iraq, but before the blood has finished flowing we may find ourselves in a far more dangerous quagmire of being the last line of defense for Israel against all of the Arab world with no support from our long standing world allies. We shall see.
Our current Administration has misjudged the situation just as practically every Administration has. There is nothing current about the tragic events in the Middle East wars as religious warfare and persecution have been an integral part of Middle East history since the beginning of recorded time.
I suppose the lines are rather blurred between religious versus cultural wars but the result is the same. In the name of God, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah or Mohammad prejudice thrives, hatred dominates, tolerance is non-existent and fear is instilled by all sides. Short of civil war, continued genocide and the ever-present prospect of World War III, some form of Divine intervention may be the only thing left between self-destruction and salvation.
Campaign Reform in America
A second issue of note is campaign reform and ethics in government as they have been promised by both parties during the last election. The true test of the effectiveness of elected officials and their representation of the people is the progress being made toward meaningful campaign reform. Make no mistake, lies dominate this issue from the mouths of Republicans, Democrats, House members, Senators, presidents, governors and a host of state and local elected officials.
The record, individually and collectively, is the most pitiful example of political double talk and double crossing in our history. Joe Six Pack, the average American citizen, has been sold a bill of goods and conditioned to accept those tarnished goods by the politicians, the media, special interests, corporations, unions and everyone else who benefits from maintaining the status quo.
Greed rules the financial world of Wall Street, the political world of our nation’s capital, the advertising world of Madison Avenue, the entertainment world of Hollywood, and just about every place of consequence in between. So what are we to do? Sit back and watch? Act as if nothing is wrong? Pray? I say information is knowledge, knowledge can lead to wisdom, and wisdom can give us the creative energy needed to survive in spite of the system.
In the days ahead I will give you information to illustrate the flaws with our so called reform efforts and point out very practical ways to give us meaningful reform. What you do with the information is up to you.
Black Friday & Cyber Monday
If you followed the news you would think Americans blew their budgets on these two high volume holiday sales days. Black Friday saw about $15 billion spent at retail and online while Cyber Monday recorded $600-625 million in all probability. Expect online sales to peak about December 12 at about $685-700 million and the total holiday spending online to be about $27 billion. All holiday spending this year is expected to be about $457 billion.
For comparison purposes, in four years the US government has spent a total of about $350 billion for the war in Iraq. In other words, if everyone would give up their holiday spending for one year and give it to the Defense Department, we could finance the Iraq war tax free for the next five years. All we are asking is you give up your holiday gifts for one year to help balance the federal budget.
The Middle East Revisited
In earlier stories I mentioned the biggest loser of the elections may be Israel if the Democrats didn’t lie and actually pull our troops out of Iraq regardless of the consequences. Three civil wars are ready to explode in Iraq, Lebanon and Palestine and it may not matter what the USA does in Iraq.
If the Democrats do bring home the troops, for sure the bloodshed will intensify and in the end the fundamental Muslims will probably win since death and human sacrifice is acceptable to them. Hard line Muslims in Iran, Syria, Pakistan, Afghanistan and other Middle East nations will be aligned with the civil wars and will embrace the winners and then all of them will most likely turn their attention to the underlying cause affecting everything they do in the Middle East, the destruction of Israel.
Oh yes, the Democrats may very well pull us out of Iraq, but before the blood has finished flowing we may find ourselves in a far more dangerous quagmire of being the last line of defense for Israel against all of the Arab world with no support from our long standing world allies. We shall see.
Our current Administration has misjudged the situation just as practically every Administration has. There is nothing current about the tragic events in the Middle East wars as religious warfare and persecution have been an integral part of Middle East history since the beginning of recorded time.
I suppose the lines are rather blurred between religious versus cultural wars but the result is the same. In the name of God, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah or Mohammad prejudice thrives, hatred dominates, tolerance is non-existent and fear is instilled by all sides. Short of civil war, continued genocide and the ever-present prospect of World War III, some form of Divine intervention may be the only thing left between self-destruction and salvation.
Campaign Reform in America
A second issue of note is campaign reform and ethics in government as they have been promised by both parties during the last election. The true test of the effectiveness of elected officials and their representation of the people is the progress being made toward meaningful campaign reform. Make no mistake, lies dominate this issue from the mouths of Republicans, Democrats, House members, Senators, presidents, governors and a host of state and local elected officials.
The record, individually and collectively, is the most pitiful example of political double talk and double crossing in our history. Joe Six Pack, the average American citizen, has been sold a bill of goods and conditioned to accept those tarnished goods by the politicians, the media, special interests, corporations, unions and everyone else who benefits from maintaining the status quo.
Greed rules the financial world of Wall Street, the political world of our nation’s capital, the advertising world of Madison Avenue, the entertainment world of Hollywood, and just about every place of consequence in between. So what are we to do? Sit back and watch? Act as if nothing is wrong? Pray? I say information is knowledge, knowledge can lead to wisdom, and wisdom can give us the creative energy needed to survive in spite of the system.
In the days ahead I will give you information to illustrate the flaws with our so called reform efforts and point out very practical ways to give us meaningful reform. What you do with the information is up to you.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
More Reader Comments:
Haughty Helen Sets the Record Straight
Haughty Helen has written to inform us quite politely that regarding her Checkered future she personally prefers the Big Buford, not the Steakhouse Burger as we implied. Now if that doesn’t mean anything to you obviously you haven’t been to the Checkered/Rally Burger joints around here so you be the judge, here are the two burgers.
Steakhouse Double Cheddarburger
The Steakhouse Burger is a Double Cheddarburger complemented with A.1. Steak Sauce, bacon, lettuce, pickles and onions on a toasted sesame bun.
Big Buford (Haughty Helen’s fav)
This signature burger is two juicy, all-beef patties and two slices of American cheese on a toasted bun. It’s loaded with mayonnaise, ketchup, pickles, onions, crisp lettuce, tomatoes and mustard.
Upset but silent
Some CPT readers, or former readers, have been reported as upset with some of the rather endearing descriptions of the local characters in the Times. We try very hard to be as irreverent as possible and make no claims that we can portray people accurately when it comes to the degree of dumbness, corniness, oddness, ordinariness or any other characteristic as the Pointers are in a league of their own. Our hope is that a sense of humor and appreciation of literary satire will allow people to enjoy the Times. Get your serious stuff from the self-proclaimed media gurus, religious fanatics, and others getting paid big bucks to brainwash an unsuspecting public.
In Search of the Mysterious Ink Spots
Inky has challenged the Times to discover the secret places she goes to during her extended walks around the Point so we are asking the help of readers to identify the mysterious Ink Spots frequented by Inky.
Local celebrity Update
A hearty holiday welcome home goes to a couple of hearty babes from the Point as recently Nancy by the Beach got a pacemaker and Hotrod Hammett got herself a triple bypass. Hospitals sent them home in record time as they were driving the staff crazy.
John Wilkes Booth Sightings
We are updating our burgeoning file with reported sightings of the ghost of John Wilkes Booth walking the highways and byways of the Point. Seems Dogman might not be the only one to witness the chilling apparition. If you have information on the whereabouts of the Ghost of John Wilkes Booth or have experienced sightings in the fog let us know. A full blown tourist promotional campaign is being planned for the spring by the Diner gang.
Haughty Helen has written to inform us quite politely that regarding her Checkered future she personally prefers the Big Buford, not the Steakhouse Burger as we implied. Now if that doesn’t mean anything to you obviously you haven’t been to the Checkered/Rally Burger joints around here so you be the judge, here are the two burgers.
Steakhouse Double Cheddarburger
The Steakhouse Burger is a Double Cheddarburger complemented with A.1. Steak Sauce, bacon, lettuce, pickles and onions on a toasted sesame bun.
Big Buford (Haughty Helen’s fav)
This signature burger is two juicy, all-beef patties and two slices of American cheese on a toasted bun. It’s loaded with mayonnaise, ketchup, pickles, onions, crisp lettuce, tomatoes and mustard.
Upset but silent
Some CPT readers, or former readers, have been reported as upset with some of the rather endearing descriptions of the local characters in the Times. We try very hard to be as irreverent as possible and make no claims that we can portray people accurately when it comes to the degree of dumbness, corniness, oddness, ordinariness or any other characteristic as the Pointers are in a league of their own. Our hope is that a sense of humor and appreciation of literary satire will allow people to enjoy the Times. Get your serious stuff from the self-proclaimed media gurus, religious fanatics, and others getting paid big bucks to brainwash an unsuspecting public.
In Search of the Mysterious Ink Spots
Inky has challenged the Times to discover the secret places she goes to during her extended walks around the Point so we are asking the help of readers to identify the mysterious Ink Spots frequented by Inky.
Local celebrity Update
A hearty holiday welcome home goes to a couple of hearty babes from the Point as recently Nancy by the Beach got a pacemaker and Hotrod Hammett got herself a triple bypass. Hospitals sent them home in record time as they were driving the staff crazy.
John Wilkes Booth Sightings
We are updating our burgeoning file with reported sightings of the ghost of John Wilkes Booth walking the highways and byways of the Point. Seems Dogman might not be the only one to witness the chilling apparition. If you have information on the whereabouts of the Ghost of John Wilkes Booth or have experienced sightings in the fog let us know. A full blown tourist promotional campaign is being planned for the spring by the Diner gang.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
ASTONISHING PARANORMAL DISCOVERY
COLTONS POINT MYSTERY REVEALED
BONAFIDE GHOST CONFIRMED
After years of reported sightings and strange goings on a team of researchers with the aid of a local paranormal investigator have confirmed the existence and identity of the shadowy apparition that has been haunting Coltons Point since the mid 19th century.
This story would be highly suspect were it not for the involvement of Dogman Joe, the greatest cynic in Maryland history, a man who doubts anything and everything he does not personally experience. Just last Monday Dogman was driving his Ford down 242 in the evening and he caught a glimpse of a mysterious man standing along the road where 242 and Muddy Creek Road cross.
Glancing in the rear view mirror he could see in the dark that the man was bearded, his hair and beard were disheveled from the wind swept rain, and he stood in a long brown top coat at the side of the road. Concerned about the safety of this poor gentleman Dogman pulled to a stop to back up and offer him a ride. When he threw the Ford into reverse and started back up the road the man was gone.
Dogman backed up the truck to the exact location of the sighting and searched the woods on either side of the road. No footprints and no man, he vanished without a trace. But the seasoned old codger did feel a strange chill in the air and the hair on the back of his neck stood straight up. It was a sense of fear he hadn’t felt since being shot at by his future father-in-law when his wife-to-be was just a young un in school.
When a no nonsense man comes to you with such a chilling tale you have no choice but to take it very seriously and that we did here at the CPT. First we enlisted the aid of a sketch artist to recreate the face and then we approached the top scientific facility in the USA to investigate the claim, the Duke University Paranormal Evaluation Department (DUPED).
The findings are in and they are astonishing. The stranger was identified by historical research, by matching the artists sketch, and by the exceptional body of available information from every police and federal investigative service in existence, something never experienced in previous reports of this nature.
The Ghost haunting Coltons Point, the one documented by Dogman Joe, is none other than John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of President Abraham Lincoln. After the murder on April 14, 1865 Booth disappeared into Maryland and was tracked to Dr. Mudd’s home where his leg was treated the next day, a home just up the road from Coltons Point. From April 16-22 Booth was in disguise and disappeared into the woods of Maryland, less than 10 miles from the Point.
If you wanted to vanish in Maryland there is no better place than Coltons Point and we discovered Booth was waiting for a ship from England to land and take him to Europe where he would be a celebrated hero. Unfortunately for him, this English ship had as much luck landing at the Point as the previous English landing in 1634. Eventually Booth made his way to Virginia and was caught trying to reach a more favorable landing site.
So you be the judge of this stranger than life coincidence. Check out the sketch of the ghost. Look at the map compiled by the National Park Service tracing Booth’s flight after assassinating the President. And consider this, he fled to Maryland to be treated by Dr. Mudd, and the sighting was at Muddy Creek Road.
Analysis indicates Booth came back to haunt the Point since the treacherous waters of the Potomac at Coltons Point prevented him from being rescued by the English ship. If only the Bailey’s million dollar lighthouse were there history might have been very different. Be prepared for a tourist invasion in search of the ghost of John Wilkes Booth and keep an eye out for the long haired bearded and disheveled man in the long brown top coat still hiding in the Point.
Our next paranormal investigation will focus on the potential new shrine at the Point, the Arrow Beer Bar, where the image of the Holy Mother Mary was discovered in the mold on top of the potato chip dip from the Potomac Gardens Store.
BONAFIDE GHOST CONFIRMED
After years of reported sightings and strange goings on a team of researchers with the aid of a local paranormal investigator have confirmed the existence and identity of the shadowy apparition that has been haunting Coltons Point since the mid 19th century.
This story would be highly suspect were it not for the involvement of Dogman Joe, the greatest cynic in Maryland history, a man who doubts anything and everything he does not personally experience. Just last Monday Dogman was driving his Ford down 242 in the evening and he caught a glimpse of a mysterious man standing along the road where 242 and Muddy Creek Road cross.
Glancing in the rear view mirror he could see in the dark that the man was bearded, his hair and beard were disheveled from the wind swept rain, and he stood in a long brown top coat at the side of the road. Concerned about the safety of this poor gentleman Dogman pulled to a stop to back up and offer him a ride. When he threw the Ford into reverse and started back up the road the man was gone.
Dogman backed up the truck to the exact location of the sighting and searched the woods on either side of the road. No footprints and no man, he vanished without a trace. But the seasoned old codger did feel a strange chill in the air and the hair on the back of his neck stood straight up. It was a sense of fear he hadn’t felt since being shot at by his future father-in-law when his wife-to-be was just a young un in school.
When a no nonsense man comes to you with such a chilling tale you have no choice but to take it very seriously and that we did here at the CPT. First we enlisted the aid of a sketch artist to recreate the face and then we approached the top scientific facility in the USA to investigate the claim, the Duke University Paranormal Evaluation Department (DUPED).
The findings are in and they are astonishing. The stranger was identified by historical research, by matching the artists sketch, and by the exceptional body of available information from every police and federal investigative service in existence, something never experienced in previous reports of this nature.
The Ghost haunting Coltons Point, the one documented by Dogman Joe, is none other than John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of President Abraham Lincoln. After the murder on April 14, 1865 Booth disappeared into Maryland and was tracked to Dr. Mudd’s home where his leg was treated the next day, a home just up the road from Coltons Point. From April 16-22 Booth was in disguise and disappeared into the woods of Maryland, less than 10 miles from the Point.
If you wanted to vanish in Maryland there is no better place than Coltons Point and we discovered Booth was waiting for a ship from England to land and take him to Europe where he would be a celebrated hero. Unfortunately for him, this English ship had as much luck landing at the Point as the previous English landing in 1634. Eventually Booth made his way to Virginia and was caught trying to reach a more favorable landing site.
So you be the judge of this stranger than life coincidence. Check out the sketch of the ghost. Look at the map compiled by the National Park Service tracing Booth’s flight after assassinating the President. And consider this, he fled to Maryland to be treated by Dr. Mudd, and the sighting was at Muddy Creek Road.
Analysis indicates Booth came back to haunt the Point since the treacherous waters of the Potomac at Coltons Point prevented him from being rescued by the English ship. If only the Bailey’s million dollar lighthouse were there history might have been very different. Be prepared for a tourist invasion in search of the ghost of John Wilkes Booth and keep an eye out for the long haired bearded and disheveled man in the long brown top coat still hiding in the Point.
Our next paranormal investigation will focus on the potential new shrine at the Point, the Arrow Beer Bar, where the image of the Holy Mother Mary was discovered in the mold on top of the potato chip dip from the Potomac Gardens Store.
Holiday Hints from Hillbilly Joe
To properly prepare you for the holidays we asked our resident holiday specialist for some hints on how the have the best holiday possible. Hillbilly Joe was gracious enough to offer his tips for the Holiday Hints.
Don’t ever piss off your mama at holiday time, especially is she is a good cook.
Before accepting any holiday invitations ask for the menu.
Eat the turkey, don’t be one.
Always place yourself strategically under the mistletoe and hope for the best.
Always sing Christmas carols in a crowd so you can mouth the words and no one will notice.
Send cards to anyone who has something you need.
Don’t ever try and have a bigger Santa and Snowman than Hillbilly Joe.
Save any bells you get for gifts and don’t want for Hillbilly’s mama’s bell collection.
Eggnog without booze is like a Steakburger without meat.
Never eat yellow snow.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
CULTURE COMES TO COLTONS COMPOUND
Dig out the ascots, broaches, capes, top hats, canes and checkbooks cause its time for another Coltons Point cultural fix when the societal classes congregate at the only place in the Point where artists are caged in, the Coltons Point Gallery/Studio/Compound.
Sharon Balenger, sculptor extraordinaire, is on permanent exhibit in the compound while Rebecca Wolf is taking time off from home demolition to be an exhibitionist. Balenger claims her sculptural figures “freeze people in moments of life” though I didn’t find them particularly cold, even if they are very cool. The Wolf Woman likes to reflect the earth and sea in her pottery so I must apologize to her for mistaking a pottery piece for a glass of water and drinking it.
Rumor has it several critics of last years exhibition, people who mysteriously disappeared since, are recognizable in this years figures frozen in moments of life, the pieces with the big mouths open. Be careful what you say around caged artisans, they just might conjure a Coltons curse.
Dress up and get down – to the Artists Compound - on the Left Bank of 242 looking north from Potomac Gardens and the Arrow Beer Bar.
Sharon Balenger, sculptor extraordinaire, is on permanent exhibit in the compound while Rebecca Wolf is taking time off from home demolition to be an exhibitionist. Balenger claims her sculptural figures “freeze people in moments of life” though I didn’t find them particularly cold, even if they are very cool. The Wolf Woman likes to reflect the earth and sea in her pottery so I must apologize to her for mistaking a pottery piece for a glass of water and drinking it.
Rumor has it several critics of last years exhibition, people who mysteriously disappeared since, are recognizable in this years figures frozen in moments of life, the pieces with the big mouths open. Be careful what you say around caged artisans, they just might conjure a Coltons curse.
Dress up and get down – to the Artists Compound - on the Left Bank of 242 looking north from Potomac Gardens and the Arrow Beer Bar.
Colton's Point Clay Art Holiday Show
A celebration of clay featuring works by Colton’s Point artists
Sharon Balenger and Rebecca Wolf
Dec. 2 and Dec. 9, 11 a.m. to 4 p.m.
Reception from 4:30-7 p.m. on Dec. 2
Colton's Point Artist Studio and Gallery
20259 Colton’s Point Road, Colton’s Point
301-769-3273
The pieces in the show are inspired by the people and natural beauty of Southern Maryland and other areas of the United States. Featured items include sculptures that freeze people in moments of life and pottery that reflects earth and sea.
Directions: Studio is across from the Coltons Point Post Office on 242.
From Hughesville, take Rt. 5 South, rt. on Rt. 242 to Coltons Point.
From: LaPlata, take 301 South, left on Bud’s Creek Road, right on 242.
From Leonardtown, west on Route 234 to the flashing four-way stoplight in Clements at Route 242. Turn left (south) on Route 242/Colton's Point Road and go nine miles. Colton’s Point Artist Studio and Gallery is on the right, one block before the road ends in Colton’s Point.
From London (UK), west over Ireland, Greenland, Nova Scotia and Long Island to Mattingly’s Air Strip/Insurance/Funeral Home/Construction/Auto Body/Texaco/xcavating /Legal/Political Headquarters. Take the Mattingly cab to Breton Bay, catch the Mattingly yacht up the Potomac to the forbidden zone at St. Clements Island where King Bob will meet you in the Forest Service skiff and take you to shore where Duke will pick you up with the John Deere and safely deposit you at the Art Gallery. From there on you’re on your own.
Sharon Balenger and Rebecca Wolf
Dec. 2 and Dec. 9, 11 a.m. to 4 p.m.
Reception from 4:30-7 p.m. on Dec. 2
Colton's Point Artist Studio and Gallery
20259 Colton’s Point Road, Colton’s Point
301-769-3273
The pieces in the show are inspired by the people and natural beauty of Southern Maryland and other areas of the United States. Featured items include sculptures that freeze people in moments of life and pottery that reflects earth and sea.
Directions: Studio is across from the Coltons Point Post Office on 242.
From Hughesville, take Rt. 5 South, rt. on Rt. 242 to Coltons Point.
From: LaPlata, take 301 South, left on Bud’s Creek Road, right on 242.
From Leonardtown, west on Route 234 to the flashing four-way stoplight in Clements at Route 242. Turn left (south) on Route 242/Colton's Point Road and go nine miles. Colton’s Point Artist Studio and Gallery is on the right, one block before the road ends in Colton’s Point.
From London (UK), west over Ireland, Greenland, Nova Scotia and Long Island to Mattingly’s Air Strip/Insurance/Funeral Home/Construction/Auto Body/Texaco/xcavating /Legal/Political Headquarters. Take the Mattingly cab to Breton Bay, catch the Mattingly yacht up the Potomac to the forbidden zone at St. Clements Island where King Bob will meet you in the Forest Service skiff and take you to shore where Duke will pick you up with the John Deere and safely deposit you at the Art Gallery. From there on you’re on your own.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Letters to the Editor
Notice: Comments can now be submitted without any log in requirements in order to protect the identity of the culprit. Sheila and Susan, please note the note.
Dear Editor:
This is the stupidest newspaper I ever read. What makes you think anything in this rag is important to anyone else?
Signed,
Better Than You
Dear Better Than You:
It takes a finely tuned degree of stupidity to discover the stupidity in life. Be thankful for the blessings in life you received that allow you to get your miserable perspective out of the way early.
Editor
Dear Editor:
Sometimes I think you are too negative toward the government, the media and our American lifestyle. Can’t you find some good in everything?
Signed,
Hopeful
Dear Hopeful:
Could you please send me a pair of the rose colored glasses you wear. We must be seeing different pictures. What kind of medication do they have you on? People like you belong in Congress where we need a perspective that sees good in all wrong.
Editor
Dear Editor:
Why do you pick on some of the wonderful people of Coltons Point? They all sound like such beautiful neighbors to have. Especially Hillbilly Joe, one of my favorites to read about
Signed,
Concerned
Dear Concerned:
Must be tough being Hillbilly’s mother. You give birth to the little rascal. You raise him like any hill folk would. You try to protect him from the dangers of life and society. And now you write letters to the editor to keep his reputation from being sullied. Isn’t it time to get a new project? At 40-something Hillbilly seems entirely capable of fending for hisself.
Editor
Dear Editor:
I just think it is a shame you are so disparaging about the cute Lighthouse in Coltons Point! You should be tarred and feathered.
Signed,
Disgusted
Dear Disgusted:
Well the Lighthouse is gone like I reported. In the ensuing darkness the sea gulls and fish are helplessly crashing into the piers and rocks. For all we know with the lights out some oil tanker named Valdez II may crash into the jagged jettys of the Point engulfing all wildlife in a sticky, tarry mess. I figure if I wait for that to happen, then jump into the water, I can fulfill your wish and be tarred and feathered with minimum effort. Are your lights out too?
Editor
Dear Editor:
Does Coltons Point really need you and the Coltons Point Times. We were doing so well without you.
Signed,
Society to Clean Up the Point
Dear Pointed Society:
Of course Coltons Point needs us in order to achieve its proper place in history. Someone must push the story to the unsuspecting masses. I mean Caesar had his Mark Anthony. Sampson had Delilah. Goliath had David. Batman had the Joker. Dorothy had the Evil Witch of the East. Just think of us as an inspiration for hypothetical greatness, a chronicler of legends, a maker of myth, a founder of fable, and all the other roles television news and the “free press” contributes to our information starved society. Or just move away.
Editor
Dear Editor:
This is the stupidest newspaper I ever read. What makes you think anything in this rag is important to anyone else?
Signed,
Better Than You
Dear Better Than You:
It takes a finely tuned degree of stupidity to discover the stupidity in life. Be thankful for the blessings in life you received that allow you to get your miserable perspective out of the way early.
Editor
Dear Editor:
Sometimes I think you are too negative toward the government, the media and our American lifestyle. Can’t you find some good in everything?
Signed,
Hopeful
Dear Hopeful:
Could you please send me a pair of the rose colored glasses you wear. We must be seeing different pictures. What kind of medication do they have you on? People like you belong in Congress where we need a perspective that sees good in all wrong.
Editor
Dear Editor:
Why do you pick on some of the wonderful people of Coltons Point? They all sound like such beautiful neighbors to have. Especially Hillbilly Joe, one of my favorites to read about
Signed,
Concerned
Dear Concerned:
Must be tough being Hillbilly’s mother. You give birth to the little rascal. You raise him like any hill folk would. You try to protect him from the dangers of life and society. And now you write letters to the editor to keep his reputation from being sullied. Isn’t it time to get a new project? At 40-something Hillbilly seems entirely capable of fending for hisself.
Editor
Dear Editor:
I just think it is a shame you are so disparaging about the cute Lighthouse in Coltons Point! You should be tarred and feathered.
Signed,
Disgusted
Dear Disgusted:
Well the Lighthouse is gone like I reported. In the ensuing darkness the sea gulls and fish are helplessly crashing into the piers and rocks. For all we know with the lights out some oil tanker named Valdez II may crash into the jagged jettys of the Point engulfing all wildlife in a sticky, tarry mess. I figure if I wait for that to happen, then jump into the water, I can fulfill your wish and be tarred and feathered with minimum effort. Are your lights out too?
Editor
Dear Editor:
Does Coltons Point really need you and the Coltons Point Times. We were doing so well without you.
Signed,
Society to Clean Up the Point
Dear Pointed Society:
Of course Coltons Point needs us in order to achieve its proper place in history. Someone must push the story to the unsuspecting masses. I mean Caesar had his Mark Anthony. Sampson had Delilah. Goliath had David. Batman had the Joker. Dorothy had the Evil Witch of the East. Just think of us as an inspiration for hypothetical greatness, a chronicler of legends, a maker of myth, a founder of fable, and all the other roles television news and the “free press” contributes to our information starved society. Or just move away.
Editor
Special Investigative Reports – Hillbilly Joe Snags Exclusive Interview with Reclusive Publisher Hayseed
Hillbilly: You ready for some tough waterman questions?
Hayseed: Sure, you know anyone who can ask them?
Hillbilly: I’m asking the questions Hayseed! By the way, why do they call you Hayseed?
Hayseed: I’m born and bred in Iowa and when I went to school at the University of Arizona the guys out west called me Hayseed.
Hillbilly: I thought Iowa was known for corn, state fairs and Great Plains.
Hayseed: It was but what do Arizona and California kids know about those things?
Hillbilly: A little dumb were they?
Hayseed: I think it’s a requirement of undergraduate school.
Hillbilly: You do anything in high school worth mentioning?
Hayseed: Same as everyone else, a little this and a little that.
Hillbilly: You mean like roping cows or riding bulls or whatever you cowboys do?
Hayseed: Naw. It was more like we dated cows and shot the bull. Just kidding. I did ride a Brahma bull once though.
Hillbilly: What kind of bull you laying on me?
Hayseed: You know, those mean bulls with a hump on their backs.
Hillbilly: And just how long did you ride this humpback bull?
Hayseed: Long enough for my butt to touch the hump and in seconds I was airborne.
Hillbilly: You get hurt or fall on your head or something? That would help explain you.
Hayseed: Just my pride, manhood and dignity.
Hillbilly: So what did you do then?
Hayseed: Brushed off the dirt, wiped off the tears, and got back on that mean old monster, was instantly thrown again, got up and got back on the beast and was thrown again, like it was dejà vu all over again.
Hillbilly: Like in Groundhog Day?
Hayseed: Yeah, like Bill Murray but after getting thrown 8 times I finally got smart and told the fire-breathing bull the pasture was all his.
Hillbilly: So you have a happy childhood?
Hayseed: Nope, I was too busy trying to stay alive until I could get out of there.
Hillbilly: Then what did you do?
Hayseed: Became a reporter, worked for politicians, wrote stuff, more of the same.
Hillbilly: Where did you do more of the same?
Hayseed: After Iowa and Arizona there was Nebraska, Virginia, California, New Jersey, Kentucky and Maryland.
Hillbilly: And you did more of the same everywhere?
Hayseed: More or less.
Hillbilly: So you a Democrat, Republican or Independent?
Hayseed: I’m more like a political atheist?
Hillbilly: What in the world is a political atheist?
Hayseed: Someone who treats all parties with equal distain.
Hillbilly: Name a Democrat you helped.
Hayseed: John Kennedy.
Hillbilly: Name a Republican you helped.
Hayseed: Ronald Reagan.
Hillbilly: Name an Independent you helped.
Hayseed: Ross Perot.
Hillbilly: Who the hell are those people?
Hayseed: Just some political hacks.
Hillbilly: If you were president what would you do?
Hayseed: First grant Coltons Point Colony status. Find intelligent people for the intelligence agencies. Bring all the troops back from around the world and invade Canada since we need a war we can win to boost morale. Annex Mexico and make all Mexicans American citizens so we can blame our problems on them. Set up a trade agreement with China that for every Chinese food joint here we get a McDonalds there. Implement a worldwide immigration policy of trading disgruntled Americans for foreigners who want to be in America. Appoint Howard Stern Ambassador to Afghanistan, OJ Simpson Ambassador to Pakistan, Rush Limbaugh Ambassador to North Korea, Jerry Falwell Ambassador to Iran, Larry King Ambassador to Sudan, and Barbara Wah Wah Ambassador to Indonesia.
Hillbilly: What would those ambassadors accomplish?
Hayseed: Our new ambassadors would cause so many problems there the countries would cease being threats to world security. You know the old doctrine, divide and conquer.
Hillbilly: Are those places all countries?
Hayseed: Oh man, maybe I’ll send you to the United Nations for OJT.
Hillbilly: I don’t like OJ and I don’t like tea, unless it is served by Haughty.
Hayseed: Whatever.
Hillbilly: What characteristic are you looking for in new Ambassadors?
Hayseed: Egotistical psychos keeping America from ever achieving a state of peace. Sort of the mouthpiece destabilizer core from America.
Hillbilly: That’s bad man.
Hayseed: No worse than the reality we face now.
Hillbilly: My brain is overloaded. Can we continue this later?
Hayseed: Sure, you’ve got from now until the conclusion of the End Times to wrap it up.
Hillbilly: I need a Bud, I need the Duke, I need my John Deere, and oh my head hurts. Why did I ever agree to do this interview? Where is Paris Hilton and the Simple Life?
Hayseed: Sure, you know anyone who can ask them?
Hillbilly: I’m asking the questions Hayseed! By the way, why do they call you Hayseed?
Hayseed: I’m born and bred in Iowa and when I went to school at the University of Arizona the guys out west called me Hayseed.
Hillbilly: I thought Iowa was known for corn, state fairs and Great Plains.
Hayseed: It was but what do Arizona and California kids know about those things?
Hillbilly: A little dumb were they?
Hayseed: I think it’s a requirement of undergraduate school.
Hillbilly: You do anything in high school worth mentioning?
Hayseed: Same as everyone else, a little this and a little that.
Hillbilly: You mean like roping cows or riding bulls or whatever you cowboys do?
Hayseed: Naw. It was more like we dated cows and shot the bull. Just kidding. I did ride a Brahma bull once though.
Hillbilly: What kind of bull you laying on me?
Hayseed: You know, those mean bulls with a hump on their backs.
Hillbilly: And just how long did you ride this humpback bull?
Hayseed: Long enough for my butt to touch the hump and in seconds I was airborne.
Hillbilly: You get hurt or fall on your head or something? That would help explain you.
Hayseed: Just my pride, manhood and dignity.
Hillbilly: So what did you do then?
Hayseed: Brushed off the dirt, wiped off the tears, and got back on that mean old monster, was instantly thrown again, got up and got back on the beast and was thrown again, like it was dejà vu all over again.
Hillbilly: Like in Groundhog Day?
Hayseed: Yeah, like Bill Murray but after getting thrown 8 times I finally got smart and told the fire-breathing bull the pasture was all his.
Hillbilly: So you have a happy childhood?
Hayseed: Nope, I was too busy trying to stay alive until I could get out of there.
Hillbilly: Then what did you do?
Hayseed: Became a reporter, worked for politicians, wrote stuff, more of the same.
Hillbilly: Where did you do more of the same?
Hayseed: After Iowa and Arizona there was Nebraska, Virginia, California, New Jersey, Kentucky and Maryland.
Hillbilly: And you did more of the same everywhere?
Hayseed: More or less.
Hillbilly: So you a Democrat, Republican or Independent?
Hayseed: I’m more like a political atheist?
Hillbilly: What in the world is a political atheist?
Hayseed: Someone who treats all parties with equal distain.
Hillbilly: Name a Democrat you helped.
Hayseed: John Kennedy.
Hillbilly: Name a Republican you helped.
Hayseed: Ronald Reagan.
Hillbilly: Name an Independent you helped.
Hayseed: Ross Perot.
Hillbilly: Who the hell are those people?
Hayseed: Just some political hacks.
Hillbilly: If you were president what would you do?
Hayseed: First grant Coltons Point Colony status. Find intelligent people for the intelligence agencies. Bring all the troops back from around the world and invade Canada since we need a war we can win to boost morale. Annex Mexico and make all Mexicans American citizens so we can blame our problems on them. Set up a trade agreement with China that for every Chinese food joint here we get a McDonalds there. Implement a worldwide immigration policy of trading disgruntled Americans for foreigners who want to be in America. Appoint Howard Stern Ambassador to Afghanistan, OJ Simpson Ambassador to Pakistan, Rush Limbaugh Ambassador to North Korea, Jerry Falwell Ambassador to Iran, Larry King Ambassador to Sudan, and Barbara Wah Wah Ambassador to Indonesia.
Hillbilly: What would those ambassadors accomplish?
Hayseed: Our new ambassadors would cause so many problems there the countries would cease being threats to world security. You know the old doctrine, divide and conquer.
Hillbilly: Are those places all countries?
Hayseed: Oh man, maybe I’ll send you to the United Nations for OJT.
Hillbilly: I don’t like OJ and I don’t like tea, unless it is served by Haughty.
Hayseed: Whatever.
Hillbilly: What characteristic are you looking for in new Ambassadors?
Hayseed: Egotistical psychos keeping America from ever achieving a state of peace. Sort of the mouthpiece destabilizer core from America.
Hillbilly: That’s bad man.
Hayseed: No worse than the reality we face now.
Hillbilly: My brain is overloaded. Can we continue this later?
Hayseed: Sure, you’ve got from now until the conclusion of the End Times to wrap it up.
Hillbilly: I need a Bud, I need the Duke, I need my John Deere, and oh my head hurts. Why did I ever agree to do this interview? Where is Paris Hilton and the Simple Life?
Special Bulletin:
Last week we reported that Haughty Helen had somehow talked Hillbilly Joe into fixing a three piece mirror. Well he delivered the finished product today and Haughty was quite surprised with the result though she was far from speechless. Most people have a checkered past but Haughty is one with a checkered future and we suspect the aroma of those two-fisted Steakhouse Burgers has drawn the Hillbilly to Haughty’s lair.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)