Face Stuffers Beware

Now that the holiday season is winding down it’s probably time you need to start winding down too by making yet another New Years Resolution to shed some pounds and thin the thunder thighs. My do we find new and ingenious ways to contribute to America’s obsession with obesity during those holidays.

To help you I’m going to offer reviews of places to eat when I actually do leave the security of Coltons Point and venture out into the cold, cruel world. It may surprise you that someone like me who doesn’t even like to eat and never eats more than a single meal a day can review eateries but just consider it an unbiased view of your world.

Today I’m reporting on a place people have been bugging me to visit for quite some time, Linda’s Café in Leonardtown. Now one of my pet peeves is the Point does not have enough eating places, none in fact unless you consider pretzels at the Potomac Gardens a meal, so traveling 30 minutes for a meal already has me on edge.

But it was breakfast and I was hoping my taste buds were still asleep. I was wrong. When we entered the place it seemed nice enough though there were an awful lot of workers looking for something to do. The big sign at the entrance was blank so I guess nothing was special that Saturday morning.

Not even the breakfast buffet was on the sign or the menu or even on a little sign at the table. The entire time we were there, over an hour as it seemed our breakfast was most difficult to prepare, only one person went to the buffet where all the dishes were covered and not a single café worker ever checked the food or brought fresh food.

We sat at the counter so I could watch the food preparation, another big mistake. Seems about everything being cooked for breakfast was made on the same grill in the same fat or grease or whatever that stuff was slopped across the grill. Huge piles of home fries and bacon were heaped on the side of the grill and were there the entire hour making me wonder just how fresh any meal could be.

The person cooking the food wore no gloves while handling all types of raw food and the person preparing the plates wore no gloves while pushing all the servings around the plates with their hands. In the hour we were there no one seemed to see a need to wash their hands so I guess all the bacteria and food poisoning outbreaks don’t happen in Leonardtown.

Even my two eggs arrived cold and I was no more than ten feet from the grill so I guess they had some energy saving cold fuel for cooking. On the other hand, Hillbilly Joe ordered toast which was burned so bad it was not even brought to the table. About 30 minutes passed before the food showed up, minus the toast. About 20 minutes later we inquired as to the disposition of the toast and were told it was burned.

End of discussion. I guess if the cook blows it the first time you don’t get it. So we said we still wanted the toast since we paid extra for it and the surprised waitress took our order and returned in minutes with the toast making me wonder how badly burned the first toast was if it took 50 minutes.

The coffee was pretty bad so it was a good thing no one was offering refills though most places would make that a policy. About the only thing I liked was being able to buy the New York Times and Washington Post at the newspaper stand and then I realized all the reading material must be to distract you so you would not watch the food preparation.

Whatever happened to the short order Diners with the mouthy waitresses and the always fresh food, steaming hot coffee, constant refills and bizarre conversations? If Coltons Point ever wants to take a quantum leap forward we should start a Diner so the Potomac Gardens pretzel bowls have some decent competition. Do you get the idea I was not all that impressed with Leonardtown cuisine? At least it is somewhere you can go to get out of the cold.