Rumors and Ruminations

Okay, we have finally tracked down the blockbuster rumor of Coltons Point. Rumor has it that Burnim and Murray, the Hollywood Production Company of The Simple Life starring America’s
Richest Dizzy Blonde Paris Hilton and her skinny sidekick Nicole Richie is considering shooting a future episode at, yes, you heard this right, the Colony of Coltons Point.

Since most of you have never seen this strange reality show I’ll give you a thumb nail sketch. It is about a couple of rich kids going someplace and trying to fit in. It is as dumb as a cross-eyed crab running the hundred yard dash in the Olympics. Still, Paris does draw superstar media attention and maybe some of the good stuff will rub off.

If these two valley girls ever show up imagine what we could do with them. After Hillbilly Joe and Duke Deere take them for a tour of the Point on the John Deere they will show them how to fix a riding mower. Then Jeff the Town Crier will take them to the piers to fetch the crab traps since they will most certainly have to prepare a crab fest.

If they escape the vicious Coltons crabs alive it’s off to Quiet George’s Arrow Beer bar for food and drinks though they will be extremely disappointed at the selection. I doubt Paris has ever had a Bud or Bud Light and that’s all the Arrow Beer Bar sells.

Guess we could throw them a Bluegrass Hootenanny hosted by Mayor Bob and Lady Anna, featuring the Bluegrass Boys Band of Pointers, better known as three “B”s and a “P”. Most of our bluegrass boys are older than the hills but we can prop them up for one more gig as long as the Emergency Service truck is on standby.

King Bob of Marina fame wants to throw a parade so we can wheel out our only float of the museum, call in the three piece marching band, drive them around the block about six times, then ease into the billowing tents of the Bailey boys along the shore for yet another Lighthouse fundraising dinner. This time we will even get the portable toilets on wheels with the carpeted ladies lounge and heated seats. Don’t want those Hollywood celebrities spreading any rumors about the Pointers being backwards.

By the time we finish with those girls they will be fattened up and ready for a month at the spa not to mention the need for extended sessions with their shrinks. So how about that, an episode of The Simple Life in little old Coltons Point, the only town on the map in Maryland that isn’t even a town, or city, or village, or sanitary improvement district.

You think this will be good for Coltons Point then get out your pen and write to the producer of the show Joey Carson, CEO at Burnim and Murray Productions, 6007 Sepulveda Blvd, Van Nuys, CA 91411. Tell him you think Paris needs a jolt of the reality of our reality or it really isn’t a reality TV show at all.

Email Comments from Readers

Well I know some people are reading the Coltons Point Times because all of a sudden people are becoming unusually friendly toward me, as if that might make sure I only give them a good story in the paper. But I really would rather get comments in emails about just about anything.

A newspaper without Letters to the Editor is like a bath without water. It doesn’t take long to realize it’s pretty obvious that something rather important is missing. So I decided to share my emails with you today. Seems our readers have a diverse sense of interests.

Four of them offered a free credit report. I responded that they should pay me to tell them the truth about my credit. There were credit card offers from all the blue chip money machines. I even got offers for a card with a picture of my university, dog, cat or mother on it. I wrote back and said just skip the card and send me the money.

Comments poured in about my sexuality or lack thereof I guess. Viagra or the many similar products were offered from places stretching from Canada to Brooklyn though I wondered how they knew I was such an under-performer, and what made Canadian Viagra better than others.

If I ever need a date or a wife a widely diverse set of prospects were offered by the emails from single women all colors of the rainbow to about every type of mate one could imagine. I wrote back saying I had a very peculiar taste in mates and could they send me an Irish Leprechaun regardless of sex, or a gypsy fortune teller, or just any old mermaid. Haven’t heard back.

A bunch of nice folk offered me a lot of free stuff so I guess they knew how much you are paying me for subscriptions. I sent back a note telling them the Coltons Point Times was a lot more like a "prescription" than a "subscription", and more than likely prescribed by a psychiatrist than a medical doctor. When I read about all the free stuff I started thinking where I might find an old tobacco barn to keep all of it. But when I replied to them nothing seemed to be as free as the claims. Now either they are telling a lie or lying about what they tell, but either way it comes out about the same.

There were an avalanche of offers of money, loans, mortgages, or anything else whose primary purpose involved making sure I was a true American and borrowed my way into oblivion. By the time I got to the 38th email I began to suspect these really weren’t letters to the editor after all so I hit the delete button and they all vanished into cyber space.

I asked Hillbilly Joe what he thought of the strange emails I was receiving. He said I was victim of a SPAM SCAM. Now I am calmly waiting for the real Pointers to email and tell me what they think if it isn’t asking too much.

Rumors and Ruminations

It is not true that the new lighthouse on the shore in front of the new Bailey house is the result of the million dollar fundraising for a new lighthouse. And the chairs are chained down to protect them from floods, not thieves.

Though about a hundred construction trucks have been making their way down Beach Road to Nicks’ Place he is not building a Hanger Club South, nor a mausoleum to rival the pyramids, but just a little country cottage with a stunning view of DC.

And Nancy, who lives down by our postage stamp beach and recently got a pacemaker, does not stand in front of the microwave with the door open and turn it on for kicks.

Now Doris Hammett may very well be closing in on her goal of setting a Guinness World Record for finishing jigsaw puzzles but she is not the matriarch of the thousands of Hammetts in Southern Maryland. On the other hand, we are encouraging her to open an offensive driving school for seniors.

By the way, Hillbilly Joe wonders if you can you really believe an authority on world records (Guinness) when it was started by a 248 year old beer brewery in Dublin, Ireland? And aren’t they the ones who find such difficulty sorting fact from fiction laddie?

Stevie Van Zany, the guitar playing weekender on the south side did not remove much of his overgrown maze because his wife Linda got lost in it for days though she is entirely capable of doing such a thing. On the other hand, he grew up on the western shore of the Bay so in spite of being a weekender he still makes a killer crab ball.

And finally, Americans do celebrate the Mexican holiday Dia De Muertos, Day of the Dead, November 1-2, not so much because we understand the holiday but because tequila is the fastest growing drink in the USA and that is reason enough to party.

You got a rumor or rumination let us know.

More Coltons Personalities

The Salon Proprietor

Bren the Greek sounds like the name of some ancient Greek literary classic. Like our modern day Bren says, “nothing ancient about this Greek tragedy”, which Hillbilly Joe interprets as meaning life with Duke Deere, her lesser half, is just as hair-raising as anything Homer said Odysseus ever did.

Speaking of hair-raising, our Bren even has a salon, though not the kind with two “oo”s, but she’s still learning the piano so she can entertain. You ever need a cool coiffure, or maybe to delay the gray, check out the salon with one “o”. And if you ever need a conversation fix she’s the one. New England born she gives you twenty words per dozen.

The Saloon Proprietor

Now Quiet George is master of the saloon with two “oo”s and where the Greek would never suffer from being tongue-tied, seems like Quiet George hardly ever gets his tongue untied. Quiet George has the only commercial establishment allowed in our Colony of Coltons Point. It must be historical cause it hasn’t changed in decades, the building, décor and even stuff on the shelves is pretty much what’s always been there along with most of the patrons.

George’s bar might be called the Arrow Beer joint because that is the only sign around. There is also a general store called Potomac Gardens and Post Office in George’s place with the Gardens being somewhat self-service. George must figure if you can find anything in there you need you can take it. Outsiders sliding up to the bar better not need a shoulder to cry on or expect the bartender to tell them everything going on as one syllable George will be behind the bar. America had Calvin Coolidge, known for extraordinarily short answers, and we have Quiet George. Quiet, that is, unless he knows you.

Television – America’s Contribution to the Inventors Hall of Shame

Thank God we now have about a thousand choices to watch on digital television. Long ago the big boys, you know the ones so rich in tradition they don’t even need names like ABC, NBC and CBS, decided Americans would watch just about anything no matter how stupid it might be. I trace the decline in the American education system to the deterioration of programming on television. The biggest contribution of TV in America is to support education and make sure our machine-made, pattern-stamped, assembly-line minds are churned out.

TV news stopped being news long ago. The weathermen are members of a secret society dedicated to increasing the frustration and anxiety of fellow Americans with their space age equipment, precarious predictions of doom and gloom just over the horizon, and their idiotic forecasts. Every time I hear a scientific forecast I cheer for Mother Nature to show them up.

Maybe the weathermen should predict the election outcome? Their faulty forecasts would be right at home with the political polling. You do know polls are a way for the so-called experts to blame wrong information on someone else. When it comes to accuracy, don’t look for it on television. Come to think of it don’t look for education, entertainment, inspiration, religion or anything else on TV.

Can you believe that in the final analysis we, you and I, are responsible for all the garbage shoved down our throats every day and night on the tube. Oh yes, accept the blame because we the people, the enlightened voters of the USA, elect the people who control the airways and license the TV and radio stations to force feed us the very stuff we complain about.

And isn’t it strange that the most powerful force in America, television, the most powerful force around the world for that matter, is the result of the government licensing air to broadcast companies dedicated to polluting our minds. Selling air - what a gas.

Of course the broadcasters then turn around and re-sell the same air back to the politicians who sold them their license for air and in the process bring us the one million TV political commercials that were broadcast this fall at a cost of tens of millions of dollars not to mention the mental stability of the nation. Television addiction should be at the top of the list of dangerous addictions but you never hear about any rehab, support groups or interventions to stop this addiction.

So I guess there is a way to save the environment by saving energy, save the children by changing their mental diet, save our reputation in the world and save ourselves in the process, just turn off the TV. If we don’t the stupidification of America will continue unabated.

Late Breaking Election Updates!

John Kerry stepped out of the closet, open his mouth, jammed in his foot, and promptly was thrown back in the closet in the Democrats latest attempt at positioning themselves for Election Day. Bush responded but no one knows what he meant. They all should apologize for the mud wrestling of this campaign.

The mud being slung has gotten so thick that if people had a choice on the ballot to “throw the whole lot out” we wouldn’t need to worry about either the Republicans or Democrats running the country into the ground.

If the campaign continues at the horrid level of today the only immigration problem the new congress needs worry about is how to stop everyone from fleeing the country.

Here in Maryland the integrity of the vote counting is so shaky we might not know the final outcome until the 2008 Presidential election. Do Marylander votes count? Who knows?

Nielsen television rating for the recent World Series hit the lowest point ever, mostly because no one wanted to hear the avalanche of demeaning campaign ads between innings.

Incumbents beware – Jerry Springer got thrown off the Dance show, you may be next.

Hillbilly Joe says the biggest loser this election is the truth.

Dogman says the whole damn bunch of politicians are losers.

Duke says we are the disenfranchised Americans but Duke is from Maine, as in Stephen King Maine, and being disenfranchised there is a genetic given.

Will the pain never end?

Let’s just hope our Constitution once again is strong enough to survive the floundering political leadership of our nation. Thank you Founding Fathers.

Coltons Point Character Profiles - Part 1.

Hillbilly Joe

Hillbilly Joe, well you can’t help but notice him. He might be in his green truck, blue truck, grey car or even a red truck, or you might just see him cruising on his big old John Deere diesel in formation with Duke Deere. Joey comes from a long and illustrious line of North Carolina Hill folk, most of whose stories cannot be allowed to appear in print.

Always willing to help out, he’s one of two Hillbilly brothers from the Point sent to infiltrate the state and find out what those suits are doing with our tax dollars. They still haven’t figured it out but they’ve only had about 40 years of state service between them and Hillbillies are not prone to jump to conclusions. Hillbilly Joe is the resident Socrates, Aristotle and Plato rolled into one package so if you ever want a philosophical opinion on about anything just ask. Of course being a Hillbilly and all his answers are rather succinct.

What do you think of the elections Hillbilly? “They’re an exercise in intellectual constipation!”
How about the weatherman and his reports? “A blank screen has more accurate information!”

Well what about the gorgeous star of Ghost Whispers? “Hubba-hubba-hubba!” ??????????

No one ever said you had to believe a philosopher.

King Bob

If ever we were to approve our referendum to withdraw from Maryland and become a colony again King Bob would be the titular head of state because of his organizational mastery. There are River Men and there are the men who make them and King Bob is most certainly one of the latter. He has the oldest marina around and for about a thousand years provided the parts, repairs and beer vital to the survival of River Men.

When he decided he might slow down he took over the Clements Island Museum, or he became a living history exhibit in the Museum, we aren’t sure which at this point, but he does have his own parking place and that is a sure fire status symbol. The master manipulator of Coltons Point with his down home approach and humble demeanor King Bob is overseer of the historic Clements Island, the infamous location where the Catholics came and went some 370 years ago.

Mayor Bob

Well talk about institutions, DC has those dead people monuments and we have our Mayor Bob and Lady Anna, the ones with the welcome cannon in the front yard. They can tell you stories about just about every one and every thing in the Point and being located at the only real intersection along the shore, they are in the center of action and attention. If you ever need anything, especially from the ever-missing government, ask Mayor Bob and he will tell you why it won’t happen.

Bob has every tool known to mankind and a fleet of mowers. He needs that fleet to pull himself out when he high-centers another mower in his ditch. Anna has every movie ever made. She gets so many overnight deliveries of movies we suspect the UPS man has a house key. They both have a collection of country and bluegrass records, tapes and cds that would be the envy of many a radio station. Look for them in the garage when the songs are blasting.

Dogman Joe

Dogman Joe has been a fixture walking his dog the same path every morning since maybe the great depression. First there was Max, the king of all companions, and now there is Casey who is determined to show Joe just who is training whom. To say Joe is a cynic would be a gross understatement. I’m not sure there is anyone in the world capable of telling the truth as Joe sees it. His philosophy is pretty clear. “Don’t believe anything you read, see or hear and you will be okay.”

Joe has a soft spot for Fords, at least the ones built before the computers took over. He is almost a genuine River Man though he would never lay claim to the honor being humble as he is but he does have a big old fishing boat that’s landed many a fine catch. He went to Britain once, said it was the last time he’ll ever leave the Point. Said no one should have to pay for such a horrible experience. Cooks a wicked crab, oyster, or fish meal when the pool table is out of the way and yes, he is a card carrying member of the Coltons Point Mowers All Stars.

Admiral Gibby

The Admiral, you know it’s the admiral the minute you set eyes on him. He must still think he’s at the bow of some big ship the way he sways up and down the street. (Actually it’s his knees.) Old Gibby is the first line of defense from the horrors of the swamp so he’s seen more than his fair share of dangerous varmints. When hurricanes hit the water nearly reaches his front porch but he’d never evacuate and miss a chance to look out over the seas.

He works hard at his garden to feed the rabbits and deer but has had some dangerous episodes when he went up against the odorous skunk family, and well, when he went face to face with the giant ground hog it was nearly the end of him. If the Admiral doesn’t respond to you it’s only because he left the hearing aids behind. He says the silence has more meaning than most conversation. He is careful, practicing defensive driving with his flagpole but then this is an old Navy guy who stood on deck and saw Tokyo harbor from a secret oil tanker while we were still at war and his ship was a target.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe the Carpenter, the builder of the church, chapel, temple, synagogue, ashram, shrine or whatever the heck that new building must be on Charles Hall, is another of the interesting characters of Coltons Point. The fact he is a Joe and enjoys being a carpenter might be about as close as he gets to the father of JC though rumor has it he spent a good deal of time in the Middle East and he did marry a Mary as in Rose Mary.

Joe and the Rose have a home, a chapel and an island with a pier that stretches almost to Virginia but they are a little disappointed they can’t go out for a decent dinner here at the Point. There is just no place to dine. So they had to get into a secret society of chefs (maybe the chapel is the new secret headquarters) and the 10-15 member couples are collectively able to make a decent meal between them, but only if it is prepared outside the Point.

Watch for Part Two it may include you!

Who in the World Lives in Coltons Point?

In an earlier story we gave you a thumbnail sketch of Where in the World is Coltons Point and now we think you should know a little about Who are the people of Coltons Point just in case you ever get lost and wind up there. Defining this cast of characters requires no small effort but the Diner crowd will do the best they can.

The first installment is a primer in sociological, demographic, and analytical research although Hillbilly Joe thinks we also need to factor in archeological (Hillbilly calls it “old stuff”), anthropological (Hillbilly calls that “stupid people stuff”), and historical (Hillbilly calls that “dead people stuff”) factors.

Rumor has it, and rumor is more than enough validation to justify headlines in today’s news, rumor has it the University of Maryland undertook a study of Coltons Point once to determine if it really was a microcosm of the USA as a whole. They assigned a team of social scientists (eggheads), demographers (numbers junkies) and analysts (out of work teachers) to see what they could find. They were no match for the Coltons Pointers.

First they applied genealogy principles and discovered a host of families that had been here practically since the beginning of civilized time, which we identify as the point the Catholics came and went. The original Pointers (Native Americans) that greeted the pilgrims would most certainly dispute the definition of the “beginning of civilized time”, as they would call it the beginning of the “End Times” according to ancient prophecy, but they were all driven away and have no voice in history.

Seems the more the researchers studied the original Pointers the more patterns they detected. Mostly they found over time all the prominent original families inter-married with each other so today you don’t marry into one family but the whole bunch of them.

Next the researchers turned to social factors such as class stratum and this was a little easier to define. Yes, Coltons has a colorful social stratum with layers of old money, new money, old families, new families, people with a rich hereditary legacy, those mysteriously with no past, etc., ad infinitum. Too many choices so they tried to categorize the folks.

First, there were the Civilizers (original families) and Uncivilized (new ones which also includes the colorful River Men). They neatly fit into some sub demographics like in boating – you either had a Yacht or a fishing boat. You played golf at the Country Club or Cow Pasture pool. The Uncivilized baited their own hook while the civilized hired someone to do it. Everyone had riding mowers, not a good class distinction, but the Civilized hired someone to drive it. Manicured yards were generally Civilized while natural swamp was the work of the Uncivilized.

The Civilized were required to be Optimists, were overseers of the Museum, must buy tickets to every activity that offered a dinner with real tablecloths, were committed to building a lighthouse, and had a septic system that could power at least two bathrooms.

As for the Uncivilized, they figured you didn’t have to join a group to be an optimist, they were more likely than not to be on display in the museum, they can’t rightly see paying for food when they catch all the fish, crabs and oysters they want for free, they are not too excited about building a lighthouse for a riverbank since there aren’t a lot of traffic jams on the river, and as for the septic, they never much saw the need for it in the first place, the two-holers worked just fine.

Yes, the researchers finally gave up discovering what we already knew, the Pointers are a unique, colorful, non-conforming and independent group of folk who all shared a common purpose, protecting themselves, their families and each other from the “outside” world. We may not be a definitive microcosm of the USA as it is today, but we are a microcosm of what the New America should look like.

Neighbors get to know their neighbors and are always willing to help out, regardless of the social, economic, religious or political beliefs. Down here there is only one class, fellow Americans, though it may include a variety of beliefs. Do your own thing but respect others right to do their thing. If your neighbor can’t bait their hook do it for them.

People here generally don’t see through blinders unless they walk on four legs. Oh they might not agree with you on some things, but more often than not they will never argue, respecting your right to have your own silly ideas. Old values in a new world, colonists trapped in a bureaucratic republic, independent survivors in a world of inter-dependence, that’s what you find down here at the Diner.

So don’t be surprised if you see the slogan of all the locals, regardless of race, creed, color, or class, PROUD TO BE A POINTER!

Pre-Halloween News From The Diner

Notice any interesting trends in news coverage, at least on television? The Diner patrons down here sure do. They notice few stories anymore about oil prices, as if we’re supposed to believe the prices have returned to normal. Heck, we’re still paying a heck of a lot more for gas than last year. While oil companies set records every quarter for profits the nation’s governors have stopped complaining about high oil prices to. Why not, the states are collecting record amounts of gas tax so pork barrel spending can proceed as usual.

Education stories seem to center on security issues rather than academic achievement. Seems it’s more important to have armed guards in schools than to worry about sagging test scores. Why they even adopted a long overdue change in SAT tests for college bound students and what happens? Test scores go down. I mean, we are only asking that students be competent in reading, writing, and ritmatic.

Reading dropped 5 points, math dropped 2 points, and writing didn’t even reach the level of reading or math. (Since it was new it couldn’t drop.) Just about every excuse for poor performance has been offered, yet the new education money goes for security. Maybe the system is just broken and needs to be fixed? More armed guards are a rather unusual way to improve learning.

There are a lot more news stories on health and medicine. Guess it’s not so strange that as drug companies advertise more on television we are informed by the news media of all the new drugs now available to cure us. Every week a new disease seems to be discovered to sell a new drug that was magically discovered about the same time the drug hit the market. Makes you wonder how drug companies spend research dollars? How much goes to finding new diseases to sell drugs and how much to curing diseases they already discovered?

Dogman thinks there is a conspiracy between the drug companies, doctors, hospitals, insurance companies, Medicare, Medicaid, banks and politicians. He wonders why it is out of all the players only the lowly patients are not coming out ahead in the zillion dollar medical field? Miracle drugs have an exorbitant price tag. The only miracle is figuring out how the patient can pay for them.

That’s about all the news worth remembering this week.

Special Bulletin!

Duke Deere, the man about Coltons Point permanently fused to a John Deere riding mower, noted the other day that riding mowers seem to be everywhere in the Point. He’s fighting depression because so many are not John Deere mowers, but nothing the doctors can’t prescribe a mind-altering drug to fix, or make him forget.

We tried to calculate how much grass the grass mowing champions of Coltons Point cut in a season. Yes, we have dedicated champions, the ones seen every other day cruising around the yard cutting grass that already had a buzz cut. The average cut by the all stars is about 1/16th of an inch three times a week. Most people never even notice the yards were cut. Any worms in their yards have flat tops.

So take Mayor Bob or Dogman Joe, the true champions. We figure if they mow about an acre a day about three times a week for about 10 months a year they most certainly cut enough grass to stretch end to end three times around the world each season. Imagine that! They sharpen lawn mower blades far more often than a kitchen knife, which keeps the Mennonites happy.

When I first got here I figured their wives must be Caribbean Island women cause every time the champions would get on the head of the households nerves she screamed out Island gibberish like “Go mo mon”. Took me a long time to figure out she was yelling “go mow man!”

But back to Duke Deere. Now he took note of all the persnickety Point power players on their mowers and had an original idea, which is cause for celebration in itself. It came to him one day when his globes were glued to the tube watching synchronized swimming. If that could be an Olympic sport then a synchronized mowing team doing figure eights on their riding mowers might be the answer to all those Pointers stuck on mowers 67% of their lives.

Mayor Bob liked the idea, he fondly remembers back when he was young playing baseball before big crowds. Maybe they could gather a following, even groupies. But Dogman, well he had a slightly different view of the idea. “Duke”, he remarked, “that is the stupidest idea I heard since NASA tried to tell us they landed on the moon! And those of us who are enlightened know that was hogwash!”

Still Duke figured a 50% majority of the people supported the idea and that was a true democratic mandate so if you want to join the synchronized mowing team just shout at Duke Deere when you see him riding past and tell him you’re in, or on, or whatever. Odd thing about the Duke, he spends more time on his Deere cruising the blacktop than mowing the lawns.

America Squeaks/Speaks - Election 2006

We worry about our future down here, how to protect it from the crazies up river in DC. You should to. So I thought you might want to hear the latest election news from the Diner.

Will the President be Bush-whacked? Will the Democrats ever stop attacking the attackers and tell us what they would do different? Come to think of it, what is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? These are some of the questions to be decided this election year.

Well, thanks to President Clinton we know the Democrats still party better. As far as the scandals and corruption, anyone who pays attention knows the party in power, no matter which it is, always gets scandalous and corrupt in time.

We know political party platforms have a foundation of quicksand. Most all candidates take big money from big money. If they don’t they lose. TV stations can’t tell us the truth about candidates because every two years politicians are their biggest source of ad revenue. About a dozen congressmen, senators or governors will get caught in corruption, a sex scandal, or some other form of private perversion that went public.

Somewhere around 100 million votes will be cast if that many, probably split about even between the good guys and the bad guys so it doesn’t matter which side you’re on. Two years ago in the presidential race Bush and Gore had about 60 million votes each.

So there are 225 million Americans of voting age. About 100 million will vote and they will split the vote between Republicans and Democrats. Thus each party will get about 50 million votes. That means the destiny of the USA, the world’s self-proclaimed greatest democracy, will be governed with the support of 22% of the eligible voters, while more than half of all eligible voters (56%) won’t even bother to vote. In the words of philosopher Hillbilly Joe down here at the Diner, “that sucks”.

So America does have a silent majority. They just don't vote. Why is that? Watch for future articles on that issue. More Joey gems; “good thing the nonsense will end in 10 days, I’m sick of the donkeys and elephants taking over TV. Besides, if the no shows win then both candidates should lose, and wouldn't we be better off with no politicians.”

Where in the world is Coltons Point?

Coltons Point is on the Potomac River 60 miles south of Washington, D.C., just a few miles from the Chesapeake Bay. The river here is 4 miles across. The first Catholics in America landed here around 1620 but were immediately chased away by the local Indians. To this day that remains the mood of the locals toward outsiders.

Think of it, a pre-colonial artifact in the 21st century, that's Coltons Point. A quaint little very old fishing village with no churches, no government, no politicians, no gas stations, no cops, no stop lights, no street lights, no sewers, no water, no hospitals, no schools, no doctors, no dentists, no shopping centers, no libraries, no fast food, well, you get the idea.

You come down here and you're on your own.

There are more fishing boats than cars, more animals than people, and more crabs and oysters than you can ever eat as long as you don't go out to eat. You won't find high speed internet here, it's beyond dsl, the end of the line for digital cable, and phone lines flood out every heavy rain.

Coltons Point has its very own perspective on the nation and the world and that is why we are trying to give you this news on the news since we also have no newspaper. It's a tough crowd down here. They don't put up with much nonsense from the "real" world. I'd say they are street smart but there aren't any streets so let's just say they are savvy in the ways of the old fishermen of the sea.

Hope you enjoy their worldview in the postings.

TV News - Alice in Wonderland

We bring you world events as viewed from the Diner patrons in Coltons Point. Okay, so we don't have a Diner, but if we did this is what the locals would be saying. Mostly we bring you our comments on the stories told to us by TV, radio and newspapers, a view most certainly as imaginary as through the looking glass of Alice in Wonderland. Feel free to comment on our comments.