Monday, October 30, 2006

Special Bulletin!

Duke Deere, the man about Coltons Point permanently fused to a John Deere riding mower, noted the other day that riding mowers seem to be everywhere in the Point. He’s fighting depression because so many are not John Deere mowers, but nothing the doctors can’t prescribe a mind-altering drug to fix, or make him forget.

We tried to calculate how much grass the grass mowing champions of Coltons Point cut in a season. Yes, we have dedicated champions, the ones seen every other day cruising around the yard cutting grass that already had a buzz cut. The average cut by the all stars is about 1/16th of an inch three times a week. Most people never even notice the yards were cut. Any worms in their yards have flat tops.

So take Mayor Bob or Dogman Joe, the true champions. We figure if they mow about an acre a day about three times a week for about 10 months a year they most certainly cut enough grass to stretch end to end three times around the world each season. Imagine that! They sharpen lawn mower blades far more often than a kitchen knife, which keeps the Mennonites happy.

When I first got here I figured their wives must be Caribbean Island women cause every time the champions would get on the head of the households nerves she screamed out Island gibberish like “Go mo mon”. Took me a long time to figure out she was yelling “go mow man!”

But back to Duke Deere. Now he took note of all the persnickety Point power players on their mowers and had an original idea, which is cause for celebration in itself. It came to him one day when his globes were glued to the tube watching synchronized swimming. If that could be an Olympic sport then a synchronized mowing team doing figure eights on their riding mowers might be the answer to all those Pointers stuck on mowers 67% of their lives.

Mayor Bob liked the idea, he fondly remembers back when he was young playing baseball before big crowds. Maybe they could gather a following, even groupies. But Dogman, well he had a slightly different view of the idea. “Duke”, he remarked, “that is the stupidest idea I heard since NASA tried to tell us they landed on the moon! And those of us who are enlightened know that was hogwash!”

Still Duke figured a 50% majority of the people supported the idea and that was a true democratic mandate so if you want to join the synchronized mowing team just shout at Duke Deere when you see him riding past and tell him you’re in, or on, or whatever. Odd thing about the Duke, he spends more time on his Deere cruising the blacktop than mowing the lawns.

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