Thursday, February 21, 2008


Undercover work by The Coltons Point Times has discovered secret development plans for a major subdivision in Coltons Point with the code name Hillbilly Heaven. Sinister forces behind the plans have not been identified but a mission statement was found along with elaborate models for the development. Fenced in by barb wire, the secret society intends to employ hoards of vicious dogs to guard the complex.

The rambling mission statement, in broken English of course, calls for the overthrow of the Coltons Point government by secretly moving sympathizers of the Hillbilly Heaven cause into the new and rather unique homes to be built on the site. We know the mission statement is authentic because only a fool hillbilly would think there is any Coltons Point government in the first place what with their propensity for conspiracies.

Apparently the purpose of the development is to be able to bring in hillbillys to stack the local vote against the locals, come downers, liberals, conservatives, independents, democrats, republicans and all other forms of degenerates currently dominating the area. Plans will be to secede as soon as enough people have been moved in though it is not clear what they intend to secede from and when.

New settlers must pledge allegiance against the New World Order, pledge to work to overturn the surrender of the Confederate Army to the Union Army at Appomattox Court House, work to ban sushi and other exotic foreign delicacies intended to undermine the will of the American public, and promise to always watch the World Wrestling Federation championship matches.

Secret plans for the new dwellings include the following home edition:

Secret underground hq:

High rise edition:

Model homes will certainly make an impression. Unbeknownst to them, we also discovered the members of the secret society can be identified by the following plaque that must be visible in their private compound, sort of the Hillbilly equivalent to the neighborhood watch signs.

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