Wednesday, February 20, 2008


Okay, so maybe we haven’t had daily articles in the CPT. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find anything worth talking about to share? I tune in to morning newscasts and by the time they are done with the traffic, weather and idiotic commercials there is only time for the anchors to give the headlines, we never even hear the stories. The few times a story does slip through it is a rerun of the day before or the day before that. I say the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) should revoke the licenses of every TV and radio station claiming to broadcast the news on the grounds intellectual constipation does not constitute a news broadcast.

Of course I then wait for the reader comments to fill my email box as I write so many controversial and provocative articles some are bound to strike a sensitive chord. But no emails show up. Does everyone in Coltons Point suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome and no longer have the ability to write? I doubt it. More likely than not they simply are in awe of the stupidity of the world or know better than to make a fool of themselves.

So once again for reader contact I have to find people to interview and the only two I can find this time are Mr. Hillbilly Joe and Mr. Ill Legal Alien. I wanted to achieve a degree of balance in the exchange and what better balance than a Red Neck with an Alien. To be fair I posed the same questions to each.

Do you find the CPT influences your opinions?

Hillbilly: I don’t do drugs.
Alien: Is that a stomach disorder?

No it’s The Coltons Point Times newspaper!
Now do you find the CPT influences your opinions?

Hillbilly: No, but it helps me understand why things are so stupid.
Alien: I like the pictures.

Well where do you get your news?

Hillbilly: There is no such thing as news, just a bunch of twisted truth.
Alien: I get mine from National Enquirer, better pictures.

So what do you get from the CPT?

Hillbilly: An excuse for my migraines.
Alien: Stuff for my citizenship test.

Why are you taking a citizenship test?

Hillbilly: I’m not dude. I'm a proud red blooded red neck American!
Alien: Because I can’t find a place to buy a birth certificate.

Do you pay taxes?

Hillbilly: Not unless I have to.
Alien: Sure, income taxes, social security and sales taxes.

Do you have a driver’s license?

Hillbilly: Of course and I drive two trucks.
Alien: Of course and I drive two trucks too.

Hillbilly: Well mine are registered, taxes paid, and insured.
Alien: So are mine.

Hillbilly: Okay dude, my kids go to public school.
Alien: So do mine.

Hillbilly: Mine speak English.
Alien: So do mine, and you can understand their English.

Hillbilly: You insulting my articulation?
Alien: I’m quite certain you are articulating as best as possible.

Hillbilly: Good because I was about to drop kick you to Texas.
Alien: Then I wouldn’t give you any more of my wife’s enchiladas.

Wait a minute you two. I’m doing the interview so don’t get carried away.
Now let’s go back to the questions.

What is your favorite drink?

Hillbilly: A margarita of course, poured like you don’t own it.
Alien: Bud Light.

And what is your favorite snack?

Hillbilly: Nachos and lots of cheese and salsa.
Alien: French fries.

How about your favorite actress?

Hillbilly: Hmmmm, Selma Hayek
Alien: Jodie Foster.

Well what is your favorite TV Show or movie?

Hillbilly: Hee, hee, hee, the Alamo.
Alien: Beverly Hillbillies, hee, hee.

Your favorite military hero?

Hillbilly: General Robert E. Lee.
Alien: General Antonio Santa Anna.

Okay we are getting nowhere with this interview. We could almost exchange the answers from the two of you and have results more like we should get.

So can either of you vote?

Hillbilly: I refuse to register for such an abominable exercise when the election is already rigged.
Alien: I prefer the candidate who changes their mind the least on immigration before the election.

Do you trust politicians?

Hillbilly: I will double-cross that bridge when I get to it.
Alien: In God we trust in politicians we rust.

Do you have anything in common?

Hillbilly: We lost a war to the Union Army.
Alien: We lost a war to the Union Army.

Amazing guys, united in war and divided in peace. I guess that is a very American thing. Of course America usually isn’t the target but you can’t have everything.

So what do you think about the immigration issue?

Hillbilly: Close the borders to America and stop the millions of Mexicans from coming.
Alien: Close the borders to Mexico and stop the millions of Americans from coming.

What do you think about the language differences?

Hillbilly: If you live here you speak English.
Alien: If only the Americans already here could speak English.

Maybe we should trade the millions of Mexicans in America for the millions of Americans in Mexico? Then seal the border.

Hillbilly: That won’t stop the flow of tequila will it?
Alien: Take back your unsafe, polluting and low paying plants while you are at it.

That’s it, I’m outta here.

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