Wednesday, April 02, 2008


April Fools has come and passed,
and we are still the biggest a--!

This is great. On April 1st, April Fools Day, weird things really started to happen. More depressing news about the multi-billion dollar sub prime mortgage losses by the big investment houses and international banks, so the next day the stock market goes up about 400 points. Since when did bad news cause market gains? Until today it didn’t matter what kind of news, good or bad, you could count on the market going down.

I mean the economics experts and media mouthpieces declared and demanded that we were in a recession. Only bad stuff happens in recessions. The market can’t go up like that, not after all we did to bring it down. Then two of the most popular arthritis prescriptions were discovered to not work, after years of use and millions of users. Still the market went up.

Follow that with the opening of major league baseball and the Yankees got rained out. For the first time in history there are four number 1 teams in the NCAA March Madness semi-finals. Just 1,500 more commercials and we can crown the national champion. John McCain is wandering around America trying to rediscover his roots and remind us he is still alive and running for president. He best be careful, no telling how many wild oats he sowed in his youth that he doesn’t remember. Still the market went up.

Speaking of sowing wild oats, how many of your kids would have the slightest idea what you were talking about if you told them to go sow their wild oats? Maybe you don’t know either? People have sure left behind a lot of rich culture that was traded in for such modern riches as microwave radiation and mauling of the English language. I think people raised in America who can’t speak proper English should be fined. Assault and battery on the spoken word should be the charge.

Back to now, we also were told cell phone radiation will cause more cases of cancer and brain tumors and more people will die from microwave radiation poisoning than from lung cancer. They still don’t know the effect of point blank microwave radiation on the electrical circuitry of the brain over extended periods of time. Kids could be frying their brain cells. I have an English study over 10 years old that said the same thing. We didn’t listen then, why should we listen now? Still the market went up.

And what in the world do you think the long-term effect of Viagra on our old geysers might be? Extended life or early death, are possible. You know ever since they added that line to the Viagra ad, under the warning part, that said “if your erection lasts longer than four hours consult your doctor immediately,” sales have increased tenfold. I’m sure men would not want to risk using it if they thought they might have an erection for over four hours. Maybe when they reach four hours someone should first check them for rigormortis, might be a better explanation.

Today we also learned that over 50% of all the public school students in our 17 largest cities drop out of high school. Well that sure explains why our test scores are going up. Get rid of the losers and the average grade of the rest goes up. Didn’t the president start an education program called No One Left Behind or something like that? I see all that money had a real positive effect on our children. Why are per pupil costs increasing when the number of pupils is decreasing by over 1.2 million a year? Still the market went up.

A lot of other strange stuff happened as well. The presidents of the oil companies talked to Congress today. The congressmen bitched, the oil men said they needed the billions of dollars in profits to protect their companies from future problems, and they still had their billions in tax benefits when they left along with the billions in profits. Don’t know about you but to me having a three-ring circus in congress and calling it a hearing to investigate the oil companies is the height of conceit or the pinnacle of hypocrisy.

I’m a bit more concerned about the amount of money these same people have invested in our politicians this year. For all federal races this year, meaning president, house and senate races, the Lawyers and Law Firms have given $159 millions, Securities and Investment firms have given $104.5 millions, Commercial Banks have given $24.1 millions, Oil & Gas companies have given $14.2 millions, and Pharmaceutical firms have given $13.6 millions. That means those five industries alone have invested over $315.4 millions to see that the “right” politician wins.

Keep your eyes open my friends. See if anything really does change. There will be a lot of new faces, no question. Truth is there should have been a lot more getting tossed out but people haven’t seen the light yet. At least 80% of the incumbents will get elected yet again thanks to all that special interest money they received. The same people who passed the budgets, approved the wars and passed the laws for the last eight years will be back and as long as they are there Barack, Hillary or John may be president but congress will still control the agenda. Who will control congress?

What a shame everything I just reported on is true and not an April 1st prank.

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